No Way Out Of The Nightmares
by Lost1nTheLight
Summary: Alone. So completely, unbearably alone it hurts just to wake up. Ti has nothing left in her world. So into another she falls. But there are just as many terrors and shadows in this one as in the last. It's like waking from a bad dream only to find you've fallen into an even worse one. If she doesn't look for the light, how will she be able to find her way out of the nightmares?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Alright, so hello! I've been writing this story kind of just any time when I don't have much else to do on my phone (so please forgive me for any spelling or grammar mistakes), this is a really big story, so I just kind of decided to put the first chapter up here to see what happens. I'm working on another story right now as well (please check it out!), so that's the one I'm focusing on. However I just wanted to put this chapter up and see if anyone likes it, if I get lots of good reviews I'll put the next one up sooner. So please do all those wonderful things that will make me super happy and I will reward you with an invisible hug. You're welcome.**

**Whoops! Almost forgot this:**

**Disclaimer for entire story: I do not own Divergent, just Ti. So anything you recognize is not mine.**

_Be brave my darling, _

_you have faced dark times before,_

_and you are still here now._

Chapter 1: Falling

I stare across the room and gulp, trying to swallow the dread that has settled itself in my chest, leaving a sick feeling in my stomach.

There it is, face up, lying on the floor that's covered in a thin layer of dust. Slowly, I force my foot forward, hearing the floorboard creak just a little. I close my eyes and softly touch my fingers to my mouth.

"Oh come on Ti!" My mother yells at me, exasperated. I jump. "If you're planning on reading that book then move your butt. If not then try doing something useful for once. Jeez, it's not like your life is ending or something, stop acting like it." I wince. Heartless. I can smell the alcohol in her breath, see it in her confused, staggering walk. I guess I should be used to it, but somehow every time I see the living room floor littered with empty bottles, my heart manages to crumble a little more. Every single time.

I take a deep breath and set my jaw. Okay. As I lean down to pick it up with hands that tremble just the tiniest bit, my eyes skim over the title. I must have heard that word at least a million times, but now when it echoes in my head, it makes my throat close up and my chest hurt.

I remember Carrie telling me about fifty trillion times how great this book is, but right now it just looks small. Small and completely meaningless.

Apparently it's the greatest book she'd ever laid eyes on. Of course, I was always too busy writing about Harry Potter, or watching Lord of the Rings, or reading the 5th Wave. I figured that, since I'd made her read and watch the Hunger Games, then I might as well listen to her for once in my life and try out this weird 'Divergent' thing.

I'm not going to break my promise that I'd do that, even if she broke hers.

I guess I should tell you about me, and her, before I go on. But just to warn you, this is a onetime offer, so listen carefully. I don't usually agree to talk, or even think about it.

Okay, my name is Ti Honeycone. It used to suit me back when I wore little white dresses and bows in my hair. Not anymore, but we'll get to that later. So my name is Ti. When I was six years old, I met Carrie Brandton. We sat beside each other in class, and I hated her. It seemed to me that all she cared about were her stupid dolls and her stupid clothes. I was wrong. Of course, she did care about that, a lot, but she cared about other things too. Things that were important to me.

When I finally realized that we became the best of friends, and we were inseparable. When Carrie went to her cottage for the second half of summer, I went too. When I had to leave for a one-year boarding school program, she did too. If one of us signed up for the school play, the other did too. We'd even made special agreements with our teachers so we could sit together in all of our classes. We'd have sleep-overs almost every day, and we'd stay up all night talking, or watching movies.

Then the winter came when I was nine. My father was hiking near a ravine and lost his balance. He fell into the river and drowned under the ice. Just like that.

They found his body four days later. I can still remember seeing the police man coming to our door. My mother, screaming crying. Then me, running out of the house. I ran all the way into the woods and just sat there, without a coat, in the snow. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even cry. I just sat there until I passed out from the cold. 48 hours later I woke up in the hospital, looking into my best friend's eyes.

She'd stayed next to me all my time in the hospital, and then later when I went home too. The funeral was the last time I could remember my mother being sober.

A year later, Carrie's mother left to live in Boston and never came back. Then it was my turn to stay with her, we never left each other's sides since. I stayed at Carrie's house a lot, but sometimes when my mother had only had a few beers we came over to my house and my mom would order us some pizza and give me some money to go to the movie theatre. We'd seen so many films there that I'd lost count.

So even though our lives were both tragedies of sorts, we kept each other going. We kept each other okay.

But then Carrie's dad happened. Carrie's dad was what ruined everything. At first I didn't know anything, just that one day Carrie came to school with eyes that weren't quite right. Eyes that had seen something, something bad, and she wouldn't tell me what was going on. That's when I knew something was wrong. Carrie had never not told me anything, but that day she didn't say a word.

After that day things were never quite right. She was distant. I was miserable.

Then I was over at her house one night, and it was the same as always until we fell asleep. I don't think she thought I heard, but right before I fell asleep she said something. It was whispered into the darkness, so at first I wasn't sure if it had even happened, but I heard her say, "I love you, Ti." And I swear her pillow was wet when I woke up.

I left early in the morning without waking her because I was worried about my mom, but she was used to that. Then evening came and so did the phone call. I don't know what happened after that, except I must have been shaking badly enough that I dropped the glass of water I had been holding when the voice over the phone told me because I remember cutting my feet on the shards later.

I went over to her house that night, I guess it was because I was certain that it wasn't real. That it was a lie.

But it wasn't.

I walked into that house and I could see it, written all over the bare walls, stained onto the bloody rope lying on the kitchen table. I could hear it in the silence that surrounded her father as he pulled me into a tight hug, like he was holding onto me for dear life. I could smell it in the scent of chemicals and bleach that tickled my nose. I could taste it in the stale air that suffocated her room. I could feel it in the violent tremors that ran through my body as I sank to my knees when I got there.

Dead.

She was dead and that was it. She was just . . . dead. A corpse that would soon start to rot and decay. Her pretty honey coloured hair, her rosy cheeks and bright blue eyes would soon be gone. A tomb the only thing left.

In her room there was a book. A leather bound book, tucked under her mattress. For me. Inside that book was the truth. All of it. I didn't read it there, I went home and locked myself in my room. Then I opened the journal and began to read. It was like a knife in the heart. Worse. Worse than a thousand knives, worse than a billion.

In that book Carrie told me everything. She told me when she met me, I was the first person who she'd ever loved all on her own. Her father and mother she had to love, because they were her family, but me, it was something else. Something different and beautiful. She told me how the times we stayed up all night talking and laughing were the best times of her life. The times we argued over which books were better, or which movies to watch. The times we made chocolate chip cookies out of m and ms and smarties and put piles of icing on top and they turned out to be a complete mess but tasted delicious anyway. The times we went shopping and I refused to buy anything until Carrie had threatened to hide my copy of the Lightning Thief and we would end up bringing home fourteen bags of the strangest clothes and six new series of books. Those were the best moments of her life.

Then it all came out. It was her father. Her kind father. It was all his fault. Carrie told me about how she'd found out. Found out who he truly was. A criminal. When he learned that she knew he beat her to keep her quiet. Finally there was nothing left. Nothing at all. So she killed herself.

Except that was a lie. There was something left. Me.

No one knows how much I cried that night.

It's been four months, twenty six days since Carrie died. My mother said I should be over it by now, but she doesn't understand. How could she if she doesn't realize that she isn't over my father, even now?

I don't know why this book is so important to me, but for some reason it is. She begged me to read it, so that's what I'm going to do. She already told me like half the book anyway.

I bring it back to my room, locking the door so I won't be disturbed by my mother. Then taking a deep breath and opening it to the first page. There it is.

There is one mirror in my house.

That's how it begins. That's the first sentence. But before I can get any further my window flies open and a rush of cool evening air whips my hair around my face. I frown. I never unlock my window, because my mom told me that after it's been opened, it's next to impossible to close.

I stand up and the breeze blows my shirt around me. I shiver. With my luck it will be a demon. I walk over to the window and look down. All I can see is the dry, scratchy grass of our lawn below. I reach out to grab the shutter and close it, but it's just a little too far out. I stretch my hand out until I'm on my tiptoes and grab the ledge with the other, so I don't fall. But I'd forgotten that I was holding the book, and it slips out of my fingers. Out of instinct I grab at it before it falls out of reach. As I lean forward to catch it, I feel my body tip forward . . . and then fall.

I flail my arms out to try and grab something, anything, but I'm already too far gone. My room is on the third floor of our house, when I hit the ground it will surely kill me. I scream and a burst of cold air enters my lungs, and I choke. I wonder if Carrie felt this scared just before she died. It's funny, but the only thing I can think about is the fact that I didn't read the book. I know there are a lot of other things I should be concerned about like how I'm going to get my head bashed in, but I'm not. It's almost like I've let her down or something. Over a book. Which I know is silly, but I just can't help it.

I expect to feel my bones being crushed and my body slamming into the ground, but before I can even reach out my hand to uselessly block my face, everything goes black.

* * *

><p>I wake up still falling. How is that even possible? I have no idea. But somehow I manage to shift my head so I can see the ground below, and my mouth drops open. There are ancient, crumbling buildings everywhere, cracked pavement, and then a fence.<p>

The view is soon obscured by four walls of darkness surrounding me. What on earth? And then my body hits the ground. Except for this isn't the ground. I can feel rope under my tingling skin as I struggle to regain my breath. I feel like I just got hit by a train. Literally. I groan, but after a moment I'm able to sit up. I fell into a net. My mind can't even process how lucky I am.

I crawl off and then fall onto a wooden floor. Why do I keep falling? Then I stand and look around. "How on earth did I get here?" I whisper to myself. What is this place?

"Who are you?" My head whips around at the question. Standing there in front of me is a group of people. Ugh. I hate people. Half of them are wearing all black and the other half a mix of colours. All of them look to be around sixteen years old, except the two at the front who are maybe eighteen or twenty? Who cares? I stare at them, trying to find the person who asked the question. When I can't instead of answering I ask a question of my own. "Who are _you?_ What is this place?"

All of them are staring at me like I just told them to go cut each other's hands off until the older boy at the front growls something under his breath. He marches through the crowd toward me. When he stands right in front of me he's so tall I have to tilt my head back to see his face.

"Which faction are you from?" He asks in a low, dangerous voice.

"Faction?" Why does that sound so familiar? "What are you talking about?"

"What are you doing here?" He scowls at me. I decide right then and there that I can't be dead. I'd been debating the possibility that this was some kind of messed up after life and I actually had hit the ground and been killed. But I know that I wasn't such a bad person to go to the place below, and this most certainly isn't heaven. I've also ruled out the possibility that I'd been knocked unconscious and I was just dreaming, because the pain from hitting the net was far too real. So what happened? What is this place? I decide to tell the scowling guy the truth.

I cross my arms in front of my chest. "I have no idea." I inform him. His scowl deepens. I didn't know that was even possible.

Then, out of nowhere, he grabs my arm and yanks me through the crowd. I'm too shocked to do anything at first, but then I dig my heels into the floor to stop moving. It has absolutely no effect what so ever. I try and pull free of his grip but he won't let me go.

"Get away from me!" I shout at him. "Don't touch me! Let me go!" Either this dude is deaf, or he's ignoring me. For his sake I really hope he's deaf because I do NOT appreciate people ignoring me. I punch him in the arm and he grunts, but doesn't loosen his grip. When we get to the front of the creepy staring crowd he leans down close to my ear.

"You're going to stay up here and keep your mouth shut until I say so, got it?" He says very quietly. I glare at him and cross my arms again.

"Why would I do that?"

"Because I know where you are, and you don't." He hisses, and then turns away. I guess he's right, so I decide to listen. Just to see what happens.

When I turn around I see the entire group staring at me. I want to snap at them, but don't. Instead I roll my eyes (I'm an awesome eye-roller) and turn back around.

We walk down a tunnel and then the other older one - a girl – leads all of the people wearing black away. She said they were Dauntless-born, and I'm certain that I've heard that somewhere before, but where?

Then the angry guy who I've decided I most certainly do not like addresses us. "Most of the time I work in the control room, but for the next few weeks, I am your instructor." Instructor? Instructor for what? "My name is Four."

I snort. Four glares at me. I put my hands up as if to say 'What? I didn't say anything', although what I really want to say is 'As in four out of ten in intelligence? I can tell.'

A girl in black and white asks, "Four? Like the number?" I open my mouth to comment 'See? I'm not the only one who thinks your name is stupid.' But don't because that will probably het me into even more trouble.

"Yes," Four says. "Is there a problem?"

"No." The girl says.

I listen to what the rest of this 'Four' guys tells us intently, desperately hoping it will give me a clue as to what is going on, but all I learn is that they live in a pit, the girl who questioned Four's name is called Christina, and that there's something called Candor.

When I hear Four say that I stop so abruptly someone from behind bumps into me and I almost fall over. Candor. Now I know why these things are so familiar. Candor and Dauntless and factions are things Carrie told me about. Something out of the book I can only assume I died for. A book called Divergent.

**So tell me what you think. I won't be updating this for a bit because I'm working on my other one, but I will be updating so your reviews and follows and favourites and whatever the heck you want to do to tell me if you like it or not would mean a lot to me. (Feel free to PM if you want to.)**

**Love, **

**Lost1nTheLight**


	2. Chapter 2: Alliance

**Author's Note: Alright, I got like, _one _nice review but I decided to put this up anyway, just because. So I might not be updating in a while, or I might, who knows? Anyway, I hope you like this chapter, the one part was kind of difficult to write so I hope it's not too terrible. So just tell me what you think about because I would really love it if you did.  
><strong>

**xoxoxo**

Chapter 2: Alliance

_When I hear Four say that I stop so abruptly someone from behind bumps into me and I almost fall over. Candor. Now I know why these things are so familiar. Candor and Dauntless and factions are things Carrie told me about. Something out of the book I can only assume I died for. A book called Divergent. _

* * *

><p>My breath catches in my throat. What's going on? What could all of this possibly have to do with a book? Maybe I'm having some strangely vivid delusion that involves that book because it was what I – as far as I can tell – died for? Somehow I doubt it.<p>

That's when I notice everyone's staring at me. I sigh and start walking again, though now I feel all confused and disoriented, even more so than before. I really don't want to follow this weirdo 'Four' dude, but it doesn't look like I've got much of a choice here.

He leads us to that Pit place he was talking about earlier, and then something called the 'chasm'. Although I'm definitely not in the mood for sightseeing at this particular moment – which is understandable considering the situation – I have to admit the chasm is pretty incredible. I don't know how you would describe it to someone. It's like the ground stops and then plummets, revealing an uncontrollable rush of beautifully chaotic rapids. Water thrashing against the rocks, droplets jumping up so high it's as if they're raining upwards, mist still managing to reach your face, even from so far below.

It's completely mesmerizing and it takes me a moment to realize that the group is moving on. What I would love to do right now is throw what Four told me to do out the window and just stand here, but that doesn't seem like an option at the moment.

The rest of them go into a hole in the wall, which I'm guessing is where they eat, but before I can follow Four grabs my arm and pulls me away. I kind of want to tell him to stop yanking me around, but I'm going to assume that won't be very helpful. Seriously, what is with this guy and dragging me all over the place?

We walk until we reach an empty corridor where he stops and lets me go.

"Okay. I listened to you. I followed you around and watched you yell at people. Now how about you tell me what the heck is going on." I almost shout, but restrain myself.

"Who are you?" He asks, completely ignoring what I just said. It takes a moment for me to calm down. Did I mention I _really _hate it when people ignore me?

"My name is Ti." I can't help it; I snarl.

"What faction are you from?" You would think he was impatient, his foot tapping, his questions coming fast, but his eyes are steady and piercing.

I throw my arms up in the air. "I don't even know what you're talking about! I don't know where I am, or how I got here. And I don't know what these faction things you're talking about are."

He stares at me, like he's trying to figure out whether or not I'm telling the truth. "Are you serious?" He asks.

"Why would I lie?" Although now that I think about it, I have no idea who this guy is so I might have just made a big mistake telling him that. But there isn't much else I could do, really.

He lets out a breath and runs a hand through his hair, deciding what to do. Then, out of nowhere he slams my shoulder back and pins me against the wall. "What the heck?" I scream, startled. What is wrong with this guy?

He doesn't let me go, but instead grabs my chin and the bottom half of my face so I have to look at him, his fingers digging into my skin. He puts his face right up in mine. "Who are you?" He hisses threateningly. "What are you doing here? I want the _truth_." To emphasize his point he shoves me harder against the wall, eyes blazing.

"I _am _telling the truth. If this whole thing was act – which doesn't make sense in the first place – then I would be much more suspicious of you, don't you think?" I glare at him, shifting my head to try and get his hand off. That will definitely leave a bruise.

His eyes search mine for a moment, almost wildly. Then all of a sudden he's completely calm, stepping away from me just like that. I stare at him.

"Alright. Fine. But if I find out you really _are _lying then I swear I will kill you with my own bare hands." He warns icily.

"Okay. Jeez." I mutter, massaging my jaw.

"Now tell me what's going on. No lies."

"Oh my goodness!" I exclaim. "I haven't told a single lie this whole time so you can stop. I mean, you're the one who's acting suspicious here. All defensive and threatening. That sounds like someone who has something to hide."

Anger flashes across his face and he goes to step toward me but I hold up my hands in surrender. "Hey, I'm just saying. I'm not the one who should be being scrutinized, but even so I'm not going around slamming you into the wall, so stop being so distrusting already."

"_Fine._" He spits out. "Now just tell me what happened."

I take a breath. If I tell this guy the truth then I'm putting all my trust him. It's all or nothing here. It really doesn't help that I have long history of making quite a few not so good decisions. I decide to just give it to him. "Alright. I fell out of the window of my house and was going to die but then I blacked out and woke up falling into the net."

It's almost as if someone just slammed a box of silence over the two of us because not even our breathing can be heard.

Four clenches and unclenches his jaw, closes his eyes, and inhales.

"You can believe me or not but that doesn't change the fact that it's the truth. I have no idea who you are, or what's going on, but I'm trusting you right now, so it sure would be real nice if you did the same." I break the quiet after a few moments. Another thing you might have guessed by now: I'm not very good with patience.

"Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay –"

"Okay, I get it. Okay. That's nice to know." I do my best to snap him out of it. Who knows what could happen if he keeps repeating it? He could get mentally stuck in a non-existent world of eternal Okays and end up saying that same word forever.

Four stands completely still. He's obviously totally freaked out. "Okay, I get it." His voice sounds much less certain than it did a few minutes ago. "You're not from here. You don't know where you are. So you don't know anything about the city at all."

"Yes." I confirm dryly.

"Okay." He nods slowly. "Okay. So our city is divided into five factions, each one represents a virtue. The people that live in that faction are the people who believe that the lack of such a virtue was what caused the war. Abnegation are the selfless. Candor are the honest. Erudite are the intelligent. Amity are the peaceful, and Dauntless are the brave. We live in Dauntless. The city is surrounded by fencing that keeps the danger of the outside world out. Here, each year everyone who turned sixteen will undergo the aptitude tests, which will tell you what faction you belong in, despite what you were born into. After the aptitude tests there will be a choosing ceremony, in which you will choose which faction you will go to and spend the rest of your life in. You may stay where you are, or you may be a transfer and leave your family forever." He explains, his voice slowly growing stronger, regaining his sense of surety.

My heart starts to beat faster and I can my feel breathing become shallow.

"No." I whisper. I've been told this so many times that I must have lost count. Carrie used to spend hours trying to convince me to read Divergent by telling me all about how the city works, and how some people get more than one aptitude and they're called Divergent, and that lady – Jeanine Matthews wasn't it? – wanted to kill the Divergents because she couldn't control them. "Is this some kind of sick joke?" I ask, turning away from Four.

"What?" Four asks. "Ti what are you talking about?"

I turn around and make sure I'm calm enough to speak. "There's this book where I come from. It's called Divergent." I can see Four's muscles tense, but continue. "My friend, Carrie, loved that book. She would go on for hours about it, trying to get me to read it. She told me about how the main character, Tris, came from a faction called Abnegation, and became an initiate in the Dauntless compound, where she met her instructor, Four. Except that's not your real name, is it? You're Tobias Eaton, aren't you?" I ask.

Four is paralyzed, staring at me with an expression of panic frozen on his face. "What?"

"Listen." It feels strange for me to be trying to reassure him, when I'm the one who just found out I'm stuck in a book. "I know that this doesn't make any sense and I have no idea what's going on, but this world – this place – is obviously not just a book. I don't know, maybe there are different worlds or this just has something to do with me alone, but I promise you that your life is just as real as mine." I am terrible at comforting people, I know, but it was worth a try at least.

"Okay. Let's just – let's just focus on now." He mumbles, more to himself than to me. "We're going to pretend you're an initiate, okay?" I nod once. "What faction do you want to be from?"

My face lights up. "I get to choose?"

"Ummm . . . I guess." His eyebrows furrow together worriedly, probably wishing he could reconsider now that he sees the (most likely slightly maniacal) look I'm wearing.

I open my mouth to say Dauntless, but he interrupts before the words can even leave my lips. "But you can't be Dauntless born, the people from here would have already known you from before if you were."

Me excitement deflates and I frown. "I don't know, I'm not really selfless or honest or peaceful or smart. I guess, um, I guess we can pretend that I'm from Amity?"

Four gives me an odd look for a moment, evidently surprised at my choice, but then shrugs in agreement. "Alright then. And we'll have to get you new clothes soon. For now we can just say that you're shirt got ripped or something when you were falling into the net, so we gave you a Dauntless sweatshirt to wear. But tuck in your shirt."

I sigh, I guess he's got his shock under control because he seems to be back to his ordering-people-around self. I'm wearing a black sweatshirt, with my gray t-shirt poking out underneath, pale yellow shorts, with black and purple running shoes. I do as he says and tuck in my shirt reluctantly.

"Okay, let's go." Four says and I follow him to the eating place. Before we enter, he reminds me, "Make sure you keep it a secret. If anyone finds out then there's going to be trouble."

I nod, suddenly realizing how lucky I am that it was Four that I ran into and not someone else. Except for the whole 'if I find out your lying I'll kill you with my bare hands' thing.

We go in and sit at a table with the Candor girl and some others. I stay beside Four. As I'm putting a slice of tomato on my hamburger I hear the Candor asking the girl in gray if she's never had a hamburger.

I snort, they turn to look at me. I can't help it, I laugh. The girl in gray stares. She has blond hair, big blue eyes, and a long nose. She's pretty small, maybe a little bigger than me? "I'm sorry but you Abnegations have it rough, huh? No hamburgers? That's cruel." The Candor girl grins at me.

"Finally someone who understands me! What's your name again?"

"Ti." I answer, this girl seems pretty cool.

"Ooh, I like that name. It sounds like someone who could totally kick everyone's butts."

"Oh yeah, that's definitely me. I mean look at these muscles." I gesture to myself sarcastically.

She laughs. "I'm Christina."

I smile back.

"And I'm Tris." The Abnegation says.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh." I say. Four kicks me under the table. "I mean, um, nice to meet you." I stutter. She nods to me and then goes back to her food.

The rest of the time I listen to everyone else's conversations. Boring conversations to be exact. I find that I'm not very hungry and after a few bites push my hamburger aside, instead taking occasional sips of my Sprite every once in a while. I feel like I'm about to fall asleep when a young man starts walking toward our table. I usually wouldn't even notice but this guy is kind of hard to ignore. He's sort of gross looking, with greasy dark hair and a face covered in piercings. But that's not what catches my attention. It's something else about him. Something kind of . . . there's no other way to describe it but _off_. He's got the whole 'brute strength' kind of look about him that matches the Dauntless title, but there's something not quite right. His walk is too purposeful and precise. His smile too cruel and knowing. His gaze too cold and calculated. Everything about him is menacing and I find myself leaning closer to Four involuntarily.

"Who's that?" Christina asks.

"His name is Eric, he's a Dauntless leader." Four explains. Wow, you're description is just so impressively detailed and specific Four. That was sarcasm in case you aren't as adept in that language as I am. Yes it's true, I am a native speaker straight from its mother country Dry-Humouria.

The guy walks over and sits between Four and me. I scoot away from him as discreetly as possible. I am most certainly _not_ appreciating this close proximity. He takes a quick glance over the table, his eyes settling for a moment on Tris, in her Abnegation gray. Then they move to me, trying to stay as far away from him as possible without falling off the bench. He notices and I can almost see the amusement in his eyes. I want to bare my teeth at him and snarl, but I suspect that will not be very beneficial for me, so I keep my mouth shut. His eyes move from my black sweatshirt, to my shorts to my shoes, but he doesn't say anything. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

"Well, aren't you going to introduce me?" He finally asks.

"This is Tris and Christina." Four says, obviously not in favour of having this Eric dude near him either.

I hope that Eric will just ignore me. "And her?" He jerks his head in my direction. Never mind.

"Ti." Is the only answer Four gives.

"What are you? Factionless?" Eric asks me, his eyes flitting down to my clothes once again.

"Are you?" I ask right back, hoping he'll forget about the question. "They probably don't have many showers do they?" Dumb move.

He narrows his eyes at me, but turns away to talk to Four. I don't listen to what he says, I'm too busy mentally banging my head against the wall. I'm sure that insulting him was the only way to keep his attention away from what faction I'm from, but it was still a pretty stupid thing for me to do. Now one of the leaders of this faction that I'm apparently going to be living in for who knows how long has it out for me and it's all my own fault. Great. Wonderful.

I look from the table just in time to see Eric leaving. "Watch yourself." He tells me, just before he walks away. And then he's gone.

Christina begins to laugh the minute he disappears into the crowd.

I look at her. "What?"

"Showers," she gasps, "Factionless!"

At least somebody appreciates my comebacks. Four apparently doesn't share her opinion, guessing by the death glare he's giving me. "Are you trying to get yourself killed?" He hisses in a low voice. I grit my teeth and stand up, then walk away. I hear him follow me.

"Come on Four!" I whirl on him, keeping my voice as quiet as I while kind of sort of yelling at the same time. "You know he wasn't going to believe that faction story! He's different, he's got this something in his eyes it's . . . creepy. He's smart. He'll be able to catch the lie."

Four shakes his head, but someone calls him over from another table before he can continue. He turns and walks away and a few seconds later I do the same. As I go, wordlessly praying he doesn't decide that I'm not worth helping. This alliance we have is fragile, and even if Four is good, I have to be careful.

**Reviews would be wonderful, or any of that stuff, feel free to PM me as well if you want.**

**Love, **

**Lost1nTheLight**


	3. Chapter 3: Bad Dream

**Author's Note: So hello beautiful people. I did my best on writing this chapter, and I really hope you like it. It's not as big in terms of what happens as the others but I really tried to make it good. Just so you know, any words like: dislikingness or whatever that don't actually exist, I put those in on purpose so please don't think that I'm a total idiot. I'm only half an idiot. Anyway, please review and tell me what you think. Also: Thank you guys so much for the nice reviews that you gave for the last chapters, they really mean a lot. I just wanted to especially say to Awesomazing: I LOVE the reviews you give to both my stories and I think you're descriptions are gorgeous, so don't you worry about it. **

**Oh, and just remember, I don't own anything other than Ti. So I don't own Justin Beiber or Misha Collins or any of that. (I do however own the raccoon. Which is not really something to be proud of but whatever).**

**Love you all,**

**Lost1nTheLight**

Chapter 3: Bad Dream

After dinner it's not Four who we're following around, but Eric. Although I'm not – we'll say 'particularly fond of' Four, I really don't like Eric. I'm talking on a scale of dislikingness with Justin Beiber/Miley Cyrus on the DESPISE side and Misha Collins on the LOVE SO MUCH I JUST WANT TO FIND THEM AND PERMANENTLY ATTACH MYSELF TO THEIR LEG side, he would be closer to Justin Beiber. Like maybe in between Umbridge and that Lord Miraz dude from Narnia. Whereas Four would be more in between Zac Efron and this raccoon that once chased me all the way to the outhouse in the middle of the night when I went camping with Carrie.

Anyway, I walk with Tris and Christina as we go. No one says a word until Eric stops in front of a wooden doorway. He – like the courteous gentleman he is (sarcasm) – introduces himself to the initiates who haven't yet had the pleasure (sarcasm again) to meet him. Then he informs us that he'll be watching our training. How extremely fortunate (triple sarcasm in two sentences in a row, I'm on a roll man). I very sincerely hope that Four will be the one teaching us, if not I'm going to be ready to go straight over the railing at the chasm.

Okay, so according to Eric, these are the rules. Training starts at eight. Then there's a lunch break. After six we're free to do whatever. In between each stage of initiation we'll get some time off. He also explains that we aren't allowed to leave the compound without the accompaniment of a Dauntless member. That makes me just the tiniest bit uneasy. What is this place, a prison? After that he goes on about the dormitory and the rankings, all of which Carrie has explained to me in such specific detail it kind of made me want to shoot someone.

All of the initiates seem pretty terrified about the whole facionless thing, but I really don't see what so horrifying about it. First of all, it's just basically homeless people, so it's stupid to get so extreme about it. Second, to me it sounds kind of like freedom. You don't have to watch your every step to make sure you don't slip up. But what do I know, right?

Finally Eric leaves us alone so we don't have to endure being in his presence any longer. Apparently everyone's decided that this is the time to choose beds. I sort of want to sleep beside Christina, but she and Tris have evidently become best buddies and are setting up their beds next to each other with a wall on the one side so there's really no place for me to go. That's how I end up standing in the middle of the room, alone. I watch as they all pick out their own sleeping arrangements, choosing to all be with the people they like most, no doubt. It's like kindergarten all over again. We would have nap time and all the kids would rush to lay down next to their friends, and I had no friends so I eventually decided the best place to go was on top of a table because then I could say that it wasn't because I had no friends, but because there wasn't enough room for them up there on the throne of blankets with me. The teacher got me in trouble for that.

If Carrie were here then right away we would have staked out the ideal beds and pushed them together so they'd be just one. Then we'd probably have drawn or painted a circle around the beds to show that that space was ours and ours alone and no one was allowed to cross the line unless we said so. But she's not here and she never will be.

After a few more moments I feel a tap on my shoulder. My head whips around and I see a boy standing behind me. He's taller than me by at least six inches with blond hair and green eyes that look like they're smiling even though his mouth stays in a straight line.

"Hey. What's your name?" He asks me.

I consider saying my name is Inigo Montoya and he killed my father so he'd better be prepared to die, but decide against. "Ti." I say instead. Boring, I know, but sometimes people just get so overwhelmed by my hilariousness when they first meet me they have heart attacks and since this guy looks pretty cool it would be best to keep it calm so he doesn't die.

"Will." He extends his hand for me to shake and I give it a good hard pull, making his arm flops up and down.

Carrie told me about Will. He's an Erudite I'm pretty sure. She said he was really cool and nice and from what I can tell he seems pretty a-okay.

He grins at my enthusiastic greeting and then sticks his hands in his pockets. (Side note: don't you hate it how boys' pockets you can fit like a book, pencils, a guitar, my house, and the entire planet, while girls' pockets you can barely put an eraser in. I mean seriously.)

"So can't find a bed, huh?" He asks with a sly smile. Wow. What an impressive conversation starter. I've always wanted to have a friendship that started with the words: So, can't find a bed, huh?

I feel my cheeks go red (I'm very disappointed in you cheeks). "Well, um, I'll just sleep . . . somewhere . . ." I look around hopelessly. "Maybe I'll just sleep on the floor . . . or . . . you know . . ."

This seems to amuse him for some bizarre, obscure reason so I stick my tongue out and flop down on the ground, crossing my arms over my chest indignantly. He chuckles and stares down at me. I keep my eyes on the wood of the bedpost in front of me and refuse to look up at him.

After about two seconds my resolve dissolves. I don't know where it went, I mean, to just abandon me in such a time of crisis and need is simply incomprehensible. I peek up at his grinning face.

"Oh come here." He finally says, rolling his eyes. Then he grabs my hand and helps me up, pulling me over to an empty bed.

"WHAT?" I yell in exaggerated shock. "I THOUGHT THERE WERE NO BEDS LEFT! THIS WASN'T HERE WHEN I LOOKED! WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?"

Will raises his eyebrows and leans away from me. "Are you okay?"

"Oh yeah, perfectly fine." I wave his worry away dismissively. If only he knew. This is the true nature that lies deep within me. Dark, twisted and maniacal. MUAHAHAHAHAHA. "So whose bed is that?" I ask, pointing to the one beside my own. He sits down, kicking off his shoes and leaning back against the blankets.

"Mine."

I nod, feeling slightly like an idiot. At least now I've magically been given a bed to sleep in as a gift from God (Will) and I don't have to carry that heavy burden on my shoulders any longer. Also, I believe I have a new friend. The second friend I've ever had in my whole life. Carrie would be so jealous.

"So." I say as I sprawl out onto his bed next to him. "That Eric guy sort of creeps me out."

He sits up and looks at me. "Yeah. Pretty scary huh?" I nod. I'm not one to be frightened by people, but there's something not right about him. He's too . . . I don't know, all I know is that it's something very, very wrong.

"I think it's partly the lack of personal hygiene that scares people, you know?" Jokes are always the easiest way to keep things hidden.

Will snorts and then gives me a crooked smile, as if we've known each other for ages, and it's an inside joke. He smiles at me and I smile back and it strikes me. It strikes me hard, right in the heart, how much I've missed laughing with someone. Just laughing. Nothing deep and meaningful, but sometimes it feels like when you laugh, the sound takes all your fear and anger and confusion and turns it all into nothing more than air.

I sigh dramatically. "Okay fine, maybe I'm exaggerating just the tiniest bit, but seriously! He totally freaks me out."

"Can't say I blame you." Will agrees. "And what about Four? He looked like he was going to hurl you into the chasm earlier."

"Yeah, well, I think it's just that he couldn't deal with my awesomeness, you know? I mean, he simply couldn't take the fact that I am so completely terrific so he had to resort to the primitive ways of men: kill the opponents."

At this Will bursts out laughing. I shrug innocently. "I only speak the truth."

"Uh-huh." He nods, still laughing. "I can tell. No lies for this one."

"Nope. Definitely not." I say.

"Yeah, well we should get to bed soon or else you're going to give me a heart attack."

"Oh yeah, I'm great at that. My specialty."

He rolls his eyes. "I'm sure."

We both stand. "OKAY! Great so I'll see you in the morning." I give a little wave and go to put on my pyjamas.

Once everyone's gotten into bed and they're just turning the lights off, I whisper, "Night." In Will's direction.

"Sweet dreams." He whispers back, and it makes me smile into the darkness where no one can see. I don't think about today. I don't think about tomorrow. I don't think about yesterday, or any day before that. I don't think about how much Eric really does scare me, or how I have no idea what's going on and in a single second everything could go spiraling into catastrophic chaos. I just think about Will smiling, and like a spell, it lulls me to sleep.

* * *

><p>Of course, the magic works right up until the dreams start. It's Carrie, as usual. We're standing on the roof of a tall building. It shoots up over all the others across the city. The wind whips my hair around my face fiercely enough for it to sting. It's night. The sky is a cloak of black, swallowing any stars or lights that might have once been able to shine through. The only reason I can see anything at all is because there is a dim lamp sitting a little ways away, flickering so the shadows dance and twist around us.<p>

Carrie is standing on the edge of the building, looking down into the nothingness. "Carrie!" I yell, though I know it won't make a difference. It never does. Every single night I try, but I still can't save her. Even though in the end it might be worse if I could, because then I'd have to wake up and remember that that moment was just a dream, and she's gone and she's never coming back, and I failed.

My words are lost in the wind, and I shout louder. I can't stop myself. She doesn't even raise her head to look at me. I struggle against the wind toward her, but the closer I get, the slower and more difficult my steps become.

Carrie takes a step closer to the edge, so that nothing stands between her and the dark void below. "Please Carrie!" I scream. "Please don't!"

She looks back at me. Her eyes are . . . wrong. They're blank and dead and not beautiful like they used to be. "Please don't." I whisper, and it's like everything is frozen for a moment. No wind, no noise, nothing except her. She takes a step into the air . . . and then falls. And then the moment is over and everything comes back with a force ten times stronger than before. The wind nearly knocks me off my feet and I can barely hear, everything's so loud. "NO!" I scream at the top of my lungs, but she's already gone. Vanished into the blackness forever. "No. NO!"

* * *

><p>I feel someone shaking my shoulder before I even realize that I'm awake. I look up and see Will's blurry face. I sit bolt upright, gasping for air in choked breaths. Will sits down on my bed and pulls me into his arms. "Shh, it's okay. Everything's okay." He whispers, stroking my hair. I squeeze my eyes shut and rest my head against his chest, sitting in his lap like a child, trying to stop the tears. It takes me a second, but I manage to compose myself enough to pull back and wipe them away.<p>

"I'm sorry." I don't mean for it to be so quiet but I can't bring myself to raise my voice. I can't imagine what he must think of me now. But instead of the anger I expect to see, he hugs me. The first hug anyone's given to me in four months and twenty six days.

"No, it's okay. Everything's okay." He tells me again. Only now do I see that the lights are on and a couple of people are sitting up in bed. I probably woke them.

Then Christina comes bursting in the door with Four behind her. She rushes over and gives me a hug that nearly knocks the wind out of me. "Oh my goodness! Are you okay, Ti? I was so scared! It was like you were dying or something!" When she lets me go she starts brushing strands of hair out of my face, eyes searching mine worriedly. Four stands behind her with his arms crossed.

"So it was just a nightmare?" He asks me. "That's it?"

I nod a little. I don't want him to start yelling at me. I'm too tired.

"I'm okay." I tell Christina. She nods but stays right there beside me. It looks like Four is going to say something but instead he just turns to leave. Right at the door he looks at me over his shoulder.

"Next time one of you had better be dying if you're going to wake me up." Then he walks out the door.

I glare after him. "Yeah. Whatever. I wouldn't wake you up even if someone _was _dying. If you tried to help you'd probably end up killing them by accident. Jerk."

Christine turns to me with wide eyes. Then her face breaks into a smile (it doesn't actually break because then we'd have to take her to the hospital). "Ti, you are very possibly the most foolish, crazy person I have ever met."

"Well it's true." I huff, but I don't feel like crying anymore.

Christina gets up, and starts to drag her bed over beside mine.

"What are you doing?" I raise my eyebrows skeptically.

"Well the next time you have a nightmare someone's got to wake you up before the entire compound hears you, and who better to do it than me. Since I am your friend after all." She rolls her eyes, but it makes me smile none the less. She finishes dragging her bed and takes a hold of Will's and brings it over right next to mine. Now all of the beds are connected. Will on one side, Christina on the other. He doesn't object.

I guess if you thought about it, it might seem weird. But that's kind of the way it is. You can't really care about someone without going a tiny bit crazy. And I think that's lovely.

**Please review and tell me if that was okay or just give me suggestions or basically anything. Also go ahead and PM if you want to as well. I would be happy to talk about basically anything :)**

**XOXOXOXO,**

**Lost1nTheLight**


	4. Chapter 4: Heroes

**Author's Note: Hello there. Okay, so just so you know, some of the stuff in this chapter is kind of crazy and unrealistic but you should probably learn to expect that here because that's kind of just what Ti's like. This chapter is a little shorter than the others but I've been writing it all day long and yesterday because I'm sick and it feels like my fingers are going to fall off and die so I really can't do anymore. All of your reviews are wonderful and I really love them. Please review and do all of that and I will love you forever. I hope that you like it.  
><strong>

**Just a reminder: I don't own the Avengers or any of that stuff, even though I think that's pretty obvious.**

**Love,**

**Lost1nTheLight**

Chapter 4: Heroes

By morning I've recovered. I'm used to having nightmares. I'm not used to anyone being there when I wake up.

We get down to the training room pretty quickly, I don't think Four would be too pleased if we're late. He cuts right to the chase when we arrive.

"The first thing you'll learn today is how to shoot a gun. The second is how to win a fight." He announces, his voice slicing neatly through the sleepy haze surrounding us. Then he gives us each our own guns. I can't help but think that it feels kind of like he's going around handing out candy. I can tell he gets kind of uneasy when he gives me mine and what must be a freakishly big grin appears on my face. One word of advice: Don't _ever _give me a gun. Or basically any other object that could possibly do any damage whatsoever.

"Thankfully, if you are here, you already know how to get on and off a moving train, so I don't need to teach you that."

"Gee, Four," I mutter under my breath. "No need to overwhelm us with your enthusiasm."

Either he doesn't hear me, or he's ignoring me. I'm going to assume it's the first option because I'm pretty sure he'd be demonstrating his shooting skills with me as a target if he had heard me. On the other hand, I see Christina who is beside me suppress a smile at my comment. Then Four goes on to explain about how there are three stages of initiation which will all be ranked on how well we do, and how they aren't of equal importance so if you don't do well in the first one you can still get to the top by doing well in the next ones.

"We believe that preparation eradicates cowardice, which we define as the failure to act in the midst of fear." He says. "Therefore each stage of initiation is intended to prepare you in a different way. The first stage is primarily physical; the second, primarily emotional; the third, primarily mental." Wow. Does he talk like this all the time? It's like he's a robot.

"But what . . ." A boy who I think is named Peter yawns. "What does firing a gun have to do with bravery?"

Four flips the gun in his hand, presses the barrel to Peter's forehead, and clicks the bullet into place. Peter freezes with his lips parted.

"Wake. Up." Four snaps. "You are holding a loaded gun, you idiot. Act like it." Okay. A little harsh maybe? I guess not since this is Four we're talking about.

He lowers the gun. "And to answer your question, you are a far less likely to soil your pants and cry for your mother if you're prepared to defend yourself." I look down when he says that. Never, even with a knife held to my throat, would I cry for my mother. She wouldn't help me anyway so what's the point? For some reason that makes me almost ashamed and I stare at the ground, cheeks warm.

When Four faces the wall with the targets on it, I look back up. He goes into some weird stance and then fires. I jump at the loud bang and cover my ears. I can see in the target a small hole right in the very middle where the bullet must have gone. Well isn't that just wonderful. The dude who doesn't seem to like me very much at all and has something of a quick temper, also knows how to shoot a gun really well.

We all turn to our own targets. The room suddenly fills with the sound of shots being fired. Instead of practicing with my own gun, I just watch everyone else. I almost laugh, they all look so concentrated, brows furrowed, eyes squinting a little. I wonder if there's such thing as synchronized shooting, if there were we'd be great at it. We've even got the expressions down pat.

Suddenly, a boy appears beside me. He was working on the target next to mine, and I see that all his shots are pretty close to the middle. He's ginormous next to me with bulky muscles and a serious expression. "You haven't fired a single shot. You're going to fail if you don't start." He tells me, and it sounds like he's scolding me.

How dare he scold me? Me?! The master of not-doing-what-you're-supposed-to-be-doingers? "Why? Are you trying to tell me that this is supposed to be some sort of school? Because if that's the case I'm out of here."

"No. But you're going to get last in the ranks if you don't hurry up." He answers.

I roll my eyes. "Fine." I aim the gun somewhere around the target with one hand and shoot. Don't know where the bullet went, but it definitely isn't in – or anywhere near – the target.

He looks horror stricken by my lack of gun-shooting-seriousness.

"You're doing it all wrong." He tells me. "You didn't even hit the target!" Then he shows me how to hold it and demonstrates. Of course, he hits it centre target.

I huff and position myself the way he did and aim the gun. I glare at the target, willing it to catch my bullet at the centre. Then I fire. It hits right next to his, right on top of the black dot marking it a bulls-eye. "See?" I tell him, waving my gun around for emphasis.

He looks at me for a moment, then raises his eyebrows. "What did you say your name was again?"

I grin at this. "Ti."

"Edward." He replies and gives me this half smile as if he knows all the secrets of the universe.

* * *

><p>When we break for lunch, I've only used my gun twice, those first two times with Edward. After that I basically just watched everyone else. I think they are much more entertaining than the practice itself. I walk with Christina and Tris, who I guess must have done a <em>lot <em>more shooting than me because she keeps massaging her sore fingers.

We get there and a large boy named Al is invited to sit with us. Christina keeps trying to get him to remember her from when they apparently used to sit together in class.

"Tris." She says, snapping her fingers in front of the Abnegation's face. "You in there?"

"What? What is it?" She asks.

Christina inquires if they ever took classes together. I, of course never took classes with any of them so I really hope they don't ask me about it.

Will shows up just in time. "Can I sit here?" He asks.

"Sure!" I chirp. "Come and sit beside ME, because I'm your best friend ever." I tell him, and slide over to make space for him. He snorts and sits down beside me.

"What, you don't want to hang out with your Erudite buddies?" Christina wiggles her eyebrows.

"They aren't my buddies." Will answers.

"Well they're _my _buddies." I announce. "Edward and I are pals." To prove my point I shout across the dining hall, "Hey Edward!"

He turns around to look at me and then smiles and gives me a salute. I salute back and then turn to my table of shocked faces. Then they all burst into laughter. I wink at Will. He shakes his head at me while chuckling.

Then to Christina he says, "Anyway, Myra and Edward are dating, and I'd rather not be a third wheel."

We turn to watch them for a moment. The two are sitting close enough that they bump elbows when they cut their food. Then Myra pauses to kiss Edward. When she does my hands immediately fly up to cover my eyes. "Ew, gross!"

At the exact same time Tris asks, "Do they have to be so public?"

"She just kissed him." Al frowns at us. "It's not like they're stripping naked or anything."

"Aw man! Don't even say that!" I shout.

"Ti," Will says slowly, his eyebrows shooting all the way up to the ceiling. "Are you okay?"

Before I can respond Tris decides that this is the perfect moment to contribute to the conversation. What a smart girl. "A kiss is not something you do in public."

"Exactly!" I shout. "I mean seriously! I've never seen anything so revolting! It's absolutely repulsive! Completely disgusting!"

"Ti!" Christina interrupts me, everyone's looking at me strangely. "Calm down!"

"Or you two could just continue." Will suggests with an amused smile. "Stay frigid. You know. If you want."

Christina throws a roll at him. He catches is and takes a bite. "Don't be mean." She says.

"I'm not frigid!" Tris yells. Alright then. Sudden outburst of repressed emotions I suppose. It's such a problem with young Abnegations these days. Back when I myself was a younger skipper like them I was always getting myself into troubles I was. Ah, those were the good old days.

I huff. "Well even if I was, it's better than exchanging germs in such a horrid manner." I cross my arms and turn my nose up at them.

"Exchanging germs in such a horrid manner?" Will laughs.

"Yeah. You got a problem with that?" I narrow my eyes at him. "See? I can be all Erudite-y if I want to too."

"Aww! Look at them!" Will coos. "All red cheeks and furrowed brows. Isn't it endearing?"

"No, it most certainly is not." I snarl at him. Tris just goes even redder at his comment.

They all burst into fits of laughter again and I can only resist for a moment before I begin to giggle as well, Tris doing the same.

* * *

><p>After lunch a different room awaits us. This one has got punching bags punching bags all lined up along the walls, and we each stand behind one.<p>

According to Four, we're going over our TECHNIQUE this fine afternoon. Yep. That's right. In capital letters. Then he decides that it's a good idea to show us how to do it, but he doesn't use a punching bag, so it looks like he's trying to hit something invisible in the air. It's actually kind of funny. In fact, I have to cover my mouth so I don't start to laugh. It does really seem appropriate at this particular moment.

Edward, beside me, is staring straight ahead with a sudden determination, but I can see the corner of his mouth twitch, as if to conceal a smile.

When he _finally _lets us practice on our own, I'm suddenly struck with a memory of the scene in the Avengers where Captain America is pounding away at his punching bag and it flies right off of its chain. My face lights up with a grin and I push my sleeves up, getting ready. I'm going to be just like Captain America.

I begin to hit the bag as hard as I can. Everyone stops to stare at me. My newfound enthusiasm is slightly alarming, I know. But that's just the result of being Captain America I guess.

I scrunch up my nose in concentration as I punch the bag, and it begins to swing back and forth from the force but stays firmly on its chain. At this point even Four is staring at me, I'm not sure if it's incredulity, amazement, bewilderment, or fear that I see on his face. I decide to go with total and complete admiration at my superhero skills. I've never even touched a punching bag before, but that doesn't stop me from feeling personally offended at the rudeness of this stupid bag. Why won't it just fall already?

"Humph." I growl, and then have an idea. (A really stupid one but I'm used to that.) I back away from the bag until my back hits the wall. Then I run at it as fast as I can, using my momentum to jump and grab the top, climbing up so quickly I hardly even realize what I'm doing until I'm sitting on top of it. I unhook the chain from the bag.

Then I'm on the ground, dust billowing up around me from the force of the bag hitting the floor. That kind of hurt, but I jump anyway and grin. Ha. NOW I'm Captain America.

Silence.

I sigh after a minute. We, maybe not, but I should at least get some points for effort.

I walk over to the corner of the room and sit down on the floor. Nobody else moves. They all just stand, watching me.

Finally Four says, "Well? Get back to work." And the rest of the initiates continue punching and kicking the bags but every so often one will sneak a glance at me.

After a little while Four comes over. Great. Now he's going to yell at me again. I guess I probably shouldn't have done that, but I wanted to so too bad for him.

"What do you think you're doing?" He asks me, his arms crossed over his chest.

I roll my eyes. "I'm sitting, Four."

"Obviously, but I would like to know why you aren't practicing with the other initiates."

I sigh. "I don't feel like it."

"Well you don't get to just decide that you don't feel like it."

I raise an eyebrow at him. "In case you haven't noticed, my punching bag seems to be out of use right now."

"Yeah, that's another thing, what on earth were you doing?"

"I don't know." I admit. "It's just that there's this movie where I come from called the Avengers, and there's this scene where Captain America is working out and he punches the thing so hard it flies right off the chain, and I don't know, I just really wanted to do that too. I guess it didn't really work though, huh?"

He stares at me, bewildered.

"Okay, so what happens is that the Avengers are a whole bunch of, like, superheroes who are called together to defeat this evil dude who wants to take over the world and has hair kind of like Snape's. So there's like a god guy, and one in an iron suit that can fly around, and a guy who turns into this big green monster when he's mad, a girl who's got all these, like, ninja skills and stuff like that and also there's Jeremy Renner who's Hawkeye but whenever anyone says his name it sounds like 'Hot Guy'. And then there's Captain America right? Who decades ago was in the war. Except the thing that makes him a hero isn't really a bunch of powers, he's basically just strong. The thing that REALLY makes him a hero is how brave he is, and this sense of inner justice or whatever you want to call it. So in this war, he crashed his plane into the ocean with this dangerous something-or-other that could destroy the world or something like that. So basically he sacrificed himself to save everyone else. Then in the Avengers when they're gathering the heroes together they find him – plot twist – under the ice alive. So they unfreeze him or whatever and right before the people come to recruit him he's working away at his punching bag and he keeps remembering flashes of what happened. All his friends that are now dead, the girl that he loved, and he gets so angry that he doesn't even realize how hard he's punching and he hits the bag so hard it flies right off its chain."

Four watches me while I tell him about it, and even though my explanation is kind of long and twisted and doesn't make a lot of sense, I think I see something other than the icy robot-ness that has remained in his eyes until now.

"You know, I really like Captain America. Of course, he's not as cool as Thor, but he's still pretty awesome." I muse.

"Yes." Four finally says. I look at him and see his eyes have gone cold again. "Well there aren't any heroes here." Then he walks away.

**Please review and all that jazz.**

**Love,**

**Lost1nTheLight**


	5. Chapter 5: A Dangerous Game

**Author's Note: I just kind of decided whatever, you know? So I wrote all day and did this chapter. Therefore: I apologize if it's absolutely horrendous, please forgive me. I got a really nice review, and I'm super glad you liked the Captain America part :) So, I really hope that you like this chapter. Please review and everything, it would be really wonderful if you did.  
><strong>

**Lost1nTheLight**

Chapter 5: A Dangerous Game

Four doesn't say another word to me for the rest of training, and by the time we're dismissed for dinner, I've almost fallen asleep out of boredom.

Judging by Christina and Tris's conversation, Four was going around putting his hands on people's stomachs and telling them they had no muscles. Or maybe that's just with Tris.

Anyway, the discussion is interrupted by Al, who announces, "I want to get a tattoo."

Will, behind us asks, "A tattoo of what?"

"I don't know," Al laughs. "I just want to feel like I've actually left the old faction. Stop crying about it." When we don't respond he adds, "I know you've heard me."

I roll my eyes. Actually no, I haven't Al. You'll be surprised to know that I've been too busy crying in my own nightmares to hear you. Well, except those have nothing to do with leaving a faction behind.

"I think you're right. We're half in, half out right now. If we want all the way in, we should look the part." Christina agrees. She gives Tris a look.

"No, I will not cut my hair," the girl states. "Or dye it a strange colour. Or pierce my face."

"How about your belly button?" Christina suggests.

"Or your nipple?" Will says with a snort.

My mouth practically falls open in dismay, that's the most awful thing I could possibly imagine.

"How about you Ti?" Will raises an eyebrow. "Will you get any piercings?"

"No way!"

Christina looks me up and down. "But we really have got to do something about you and Tris. I mean, you look like a cute little kid. Definitely not sixteen. And Dauntless are NOT supposed to be cute little kids."

"I don't know," Will tilts his head thoughtfully. "It could be a good battle strategy. Convince them that you are just a harmless child, and they'll think you're too adorable to resist, but when they turn around, you take them down."

I groan and glance at Tris. _Save me_. I mouth to her.

She shrugs her shoulders helplessly. "I wish I could, but I am under the same predicament."

"Oh hush." Christina tells the two of us. Then she says for Al and Will to go ahead, and we'll meet them in the tattoo parlor.

"Nope. Uh-uh. No way. Not a chance." I shake my head hurriedly. "I refuse to let you torture me with whatever you're planning." I take a step back. "I'll go with Will and Al, and you guys can meet us later."

Christina narrows her eyes. "You know I'm going to get you in the end. There's no escape. Nowhere to run."

"Yeah. Sure. You go ahead and capture me another time." I tell her, and grip Will's arm just in case she tries to pull me away.

Christina marches off with Tris, who shoots me one last glare for leaving her to face whatever painful experiences Christina no doubt has planned for her.

I follow Will and Al to the tattoo parlor. It's not that I would have hated going shopping with them – correction: I would have hated going shopping with them but under different circumstances my opinion would probably be different. I'm sure we could have made it fun somehow. It's just that that was one of mine and Carrie's things. I never went shopping with anyone but her, because I hated shopping, but somehow it was nice when we went together. We would go into stores and hide in change rooms until we got kicked out. And we would go into this one music place that sold pianos and guitars and music books and that kind of stuff, and we'd play songs until it got late, and sometimes one of the costumers or staff would know what we were playing and join us and we always had a great time, especially because it was one of those kind of heavy rock music places, so all the people there were like these tough dudes with messy hair and band t-shirts and pants that hung low and earrings and that kind of stuff but they were actually really nice to us. We'd also just bring pockets full of quarters and go around putting them into those candy machines and then we'd just have handfuls of skittles and gum. And we'd also go to this old bookstore that whenever we went we'd sit in a corner of the shelves reading the books and the guy who owned the place was used to it so he's bring us hot chocolate and pillows and somehow Carrie managed to turn something that I'd always hated doing into something that I loved doing and I couldn't go with Christina because I don't doubt that it would probably break my heart.

We get to the tattoo place and Al takes a really long time – I'm talking centuries here – to choose what he wants, so I just kind of walk around, looking at the paintings on the walls. Once Al finally decides he wants a spider (seriously? Who wants a spider tattooed on their arm?) Christina and Tris are back.

I don't look at them. I've just found a painting of a little girl crying and reaching out to another girl made of leaves swept around by the wind. No matter how hard she tries to reach that other girl, all that's there is air.

For some unknown reason it makes me want to cry. I hardly notice when Tris walks up beside me to stare at a sketch of a raven.

"You know, I don't think it was very polite of you to abandon me like that." She jokes. I glance up at her and I must have looked like a lost puppy or something because her smile melts from her lips and she freezes.

"Sorry." I say a little too roughly for it to sound natural.

"Ti –" she begins but I cut her off.

"Please don't." I cut her off. I don't even want to think about it. It's stupid anyway.

One of the tattoo people comes over and starts talking to Tris before she can say anything more.

I take a deep breath to compose myself, and once I'm sure that nothing is left on my face to show what I was just thinking about, I turn around. And there is Will right in front of me.

"So are you getting a tattoo?" He asks.

"Are you?" I wonder in response.

"Maybe. I will if you will." He tells me. I bite my lip.

"It's going to hurt lots."

Will laughs. "I never thought I'd see Ti, the girl who called Four a jerk, afraid of getting a tattoo just because it hurts."

"Fine." I say. I don't really want to get a tattoo, but I want to make sure he knows that I'm not afraid to do it. Even if it's kind of stupid.

I decide to get a picture of the Deathly Hallows right on the inside of my upper arm. I draw a picture of how I want it for a lady named Tori, the one who was talking to Tris. Then I sit down in the chair and she begins.

It hurts. I don't know why I agreed to do this. I grip the arm of the chair tightly as she imprints the ink into my skin. When it's done I huff and stand up, refusing to look at it. Tori grabs a bandage and puts it on. She does it gently, surprising considering the rough look she has about her. "You don't look like you're sixteen, you know." She tells me quietly.

I immediately clench my jaw. However, "Yeah, I know," is the only thing that comes out of my mouth.

She looks at me kind of strangely, but doesn't say another word after that.

* * *

><p>"Since there an odd number of you, one of you won't be fighting today," says Four, stepping away from the board in the training room. He gives Tris a look. Really subtle there, buddy. The space next to her name is blank. My name isn't even up there.<p>

"What am I, a piece of meat?" I ask sarcastically.

He narrows his eyes at me. "I'll deal with you later."

"Thanks." I roll my eyes. "Looking forward to it." The muscles in his arms twitch and it looks like he's just barely restraining himself from doing something like strangling me. Terrific.

I'm wearing the same shorts that I came here in with a baggy black t-shirt tucked in. Will warned me that I would get into trouble for wearing yellow shorts, but I don't care. I'll wear whatever I want to wear. Then when I came down to training with Edward (Will and Christina came with Tris and I don't really want to be asked about what happened at the tattoo parlor so I came with Edward), he also told me that I was going to be punished, but I ignored his warning as well. If Four was going to flip out on me then whatever, he could do what he wanted.

As Will and Al stand across from each other in the arena, Four drags me away to the corner of the room.

"What is wrong with you?" He snarls once we're out of earshot. I think maybe Four is part animal or something because he seems to do a lot of growling and snarling. And yes, I do happen to know that humans are animals as well, I'm not an idiot. But I'm thinking something more primal would fit.

"Would you like the list in order of importance, or alphabetically?" I glare.

"I'm sorry." He says sarcastically. "I didn't realize you wanted to be executed."

I stare at him.

"Hate to break it to you sweetheart," he spits the word out. Jeez, no need to go all Haymitch on me Four. "But that's what's going to happen if you don't straighten up. Now."

How rude.

"They're already watching you, Ti. First with your clothes. Then with your attitude. Then your performance with the punching bag. You're right, Eric is different. He's smart. He knows a lie when he sees one. He just needs one mess up on your part and you'll be dead by nightfall. So you need to stop drawing attention to yourself. In case you haven't noticed, you aren't the centre of the universe."

Ouch.

"If you don't start following the rules, you're going to end up getting yourself into big trouble. They're there for a reason you know." It's a warning. I'm pretty sure I already told you that I _really _don't like warnings.

"Why do you even care? What does it matter to you if they do end up throwing me over the chasm?" I ask, searching his face. For a moment, he looks puzzled, as if he hadn't thought about that himself.

"I'm not a murderer, Ti. No matter what you think." He eventually tells me. Then he turns to watch the fight. Discussion over. I turn as well and see Eric yelling at Al and Will to hurry up and start fighting. I'm too bust pondering what Four said to listen.

Then I see Al punch Will in the jaw. Hard. I jump and my eyes go wide. No. Not this. Just not this.

I see Eric smirk and my eyes fill with angry tears. This is wrong. This is all so, so wrong. How dare he? How dare he.

Will stumbles back and holds his face with one hand, blocking another of Al's blows with his other. Then he dashes forward and hooks his foot around Al's leg and the boy comes crashing to the ground. I don't want to watch this. How could they make us watch this? Al scrambles up and the two face each other. I think there is some kind of conversation between Eric and them, but I can barely hear the words.

I feel sick.

The two of them continue. Will dodging, A throwing punches. Will manages to escape them all until Al charges him, grabs his arm, and punches his jaw. Will's eyes roll back I his head and then he's on the floor in a crumpled heap.

I can't watch anymore.

I grab the thing closest to me to stop myself from falling, which happens to be Four's arm, and look away, shutting my eyes tight and biting my lip to stop it from trembling. I don't know what Four does but he lets me hold onto his arm for balance, so other than that I don't really care.

Four turns to do something and I hear the squeak of chalk, but I just keep clutching his arm, afraid if I let go, my legs won't be strong enough to hold me up.

I hear Eric announce Christina and some girl named Molly. No. Not another one. I feel Four step closer to me and then in front, so that no one can see me freaking out and I won't have to watch the fight. Thank you.

However I still hear it and it makes me want to throw up. Then something new reaches my ears. Christina's voice. I peek out from behind Four to see her sprawled on the floor. "Stop!" She gasps. "I'm done."

Eric walks over to her slowly. "What did you say? You're done?"

I glance at Four, panicked. His expression is hard and unreadable.

"Get up." Eric tells her quietly. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no. He drags her out of the room by her arm and tell the rest of us to follow him. We do.

* * *

><p>The chasm.<p>

That's where he's taken us.

The chasm.

He shoves Christina against the railing and suddenly I know what he's going to do. I run in front of him on my trembling legs and fling my arms out as if to protect my friend, but I don't really know what I can do to stop him.

"Stop!" I yell. My voice is choked and shaky. I'm surprised it even works after what I just saw. I feel strong hands wrap around my waist and pull me away. "No!" I scream. He can't do it. I won't let him. "Stop!" But the hands are too strong and they lift me, kicking and thrashing, taking me away.

Why won't anyone else help her? I struggle to get free but Four leans down next to my ear as he covers my mouth. "You'll only make it worse." He whispers, but I continue to struggle until I'm exhausted, and I go limp in his hold. I watch helplessly as Christina tries to hold onto the railing of the chasm while waves so huge they sound almost like thunder crash down on her and her fingers start to slip. My breathing goes shallow and I'm about to rip away from Four's grip when I hear Al.

"Come on Christina." He says. "You've got it. Grab hold again." I stare at him for a moment. Then Tris joins in.

"Only one minute left." She encourages. "Keep going."

"You're okay." I start as well. "Almost there. Almost done."

The three of us continue until the last minute is up. When it finishes I break of Four's hold and run to help Christina with Tris and Al. We pull her over the railing, beaten and exhausted. As she catches her breath, my eyes travel up to meet Eric's.

He holds my gaze for a moment, and in that second I see something flash in his own eyes. It's a kind of rage I've rarely seen before. The most frightening kind. The cold, controlled kind that waits. I don't look away, but as I stare at him I can feel it inside me. This is a game. It's a game and it's a dangerous one.

**Please review and do all of those great things because it would make super happy :)**

**Love,**

**Lost1nTheLight**


	6. Chapter 6: The Monster

**Author's Note: Here you go, next chapter!  
><strong>

Chapter 6: The Monster

After that we go back to our dorms. I sit down on my bed. Numb. It hurts just to think about it, but everywhere I go in this place reminds me of her. Christina, hanging from the railing, bloody and broken. The painting in the tattoo parlor. Will's green eyes that smile without him even opening his mouth. Everything.

I clutch the sheets of my bed just so I have something to hold onto. Something that keeps me from slipping away into the darkness. I've done that too many times go again willingly.

I close my eyes and breathe deeply.

No. Here I am. Sitting on this bed. I'm right here.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and jump. I open my eyes and see Tris. That's not what I was expecting. She stands in front of me in her Dauntless black, blond hair tied back. It's funny how such a small person can look so strong, be so strong, without even realizing it. Half of me wants to tell her to go away. But the other half of me wants to tell her to stay. To stay so she can give me some of that strength. God knows I need it.

She sits down beside me and doesn't say anything, just wraps her arms around me. How does she know? How can she see it so easily? I just don't understand. We weren't even friends. I only hung out with her because of Will and Christina, not because we were buddies or anything. But right now it feels as if we've been friends for ages.

* * *

><p>When I fall asleep, my mind is plagued by nightmares once again. It starts in the dark. Two hunched figures, their faces hidden. One drags itself toward me slowly, I can hear it moving over the blood slick floor. I want to run, but when I try my feet sink into the stone floor and stay there. The figure turns its head to me and I see what remains of Christina's mangled face.<p>

Horror sends an icy stillness over me, and I try to swallow but it's like my throat has closed up.

She tries to say something but all that comes out is a choked rasping noise. Then her head jerks forward and she falls to the floor, and stays. The other figure is behind her and as it approaches I scream.

Carrie.

With bloody tears running down her cheeks and half of her face burned to that no skin or muscles are left around her one eye and I can see tiny, charred veins connecting it to underneath the skin of the other half of her face. Then Will is there too. His ear has been torn out and his face looks like it's drooping, his jaw hanging at an odd angle, dark purple. I shut my eyes tight. No no no no no no. Please no.

Will. My dear, dear Will, who I could not save.

Christina. My dear, dear Christina, who I could not save.

Carrie. My dearest Carrie, who I could not save.

Others begin to emerge as well. Each one as ruined as the rest. Tris. Edward. My father. At the sight of him I cover my mouth with my hand and tears fill my eyes. I haven't dreamed of him in a long, long time, and his face feels like someone's ripped out my heart.

There are so many. So many people who I could not save. So many people who I will not be able to save. Like Edward and Tris. I scream their names. Try to reach out to touch them, but my fingers can't stretch far enough. Then a hand clamps over my mouth and Eric's voice whispers in my ear.

"Now, which one should we do next, huh? Maybe Al? Or what about Four? You don't really hate him, do you? You're just scared. Scared of yourself. Because everyone you touch you hurt."

My scream is muffled by his hand and there's nothing I can do. No way to help them. Save them. No way to save them.

* * *

><p>When I wake up, I don't open my eyes right away. I keep them shut from fear that I'll see all those ruined faces again, of the people I couldn't save.<p>

Finally I force myself to look around. It's dark. I didn't wake anybody this time. Good. Christina and Will are still in the hospital and I don't see Tris anywhere. I sit up, using my shaking arms to pull myself out of the bed.

My feet are silent against the cold floor.

The bathroom. That's where I should go. I manage to find my way there before I collapse on the ground. I stumble in and grip the edge of a sink for balance. I stare at the drain long enough for my vision to go wacky. That's when I hear the water. Someone's having a shower. Seems like a good idea.

I strip off my sweaty PJs and step into one, pulling the curtain closed behind me.

I let the warm water run over me, and wash quickly. When I'm finished I find I can't force myself to get out so I slide down to the floor and just sit there for I don't know how long.

It's the water going cold that finally shakes me out of my trance. I turn off the faucet and step out, wrapping a towel around myself. I'm reaching out for some clean clothes when I see whoever was taking a shower before my move from the corner of my eye.

Quickly I step into an empty stall type thing to hide.

"Ti?" She says, and I let out a breath of relief and walk back into the open. It's just Tris. She smiles at me.

"Hi." I say, because what else can I do? My voice hoarse and I'm sure she must notice, but thankfully doesn't mention it.

"Want me to wait for you?" She asks and I nod. As she turns away to give me some privacy I drop my towel and pull on some black sweatpants and my black hoodie I came here in.

"It's all good." I tell her when I'm finished.

She comes over and gives me another smile. "Would you like me to put your hair up for you?"

I look at her for a second. I don't know why but it makes me want to cry. "Thank you." I whisper and she nods.

Then she turns me around and begins to fix my hair so it doesn't hang in my face.

I look in the mirror when she's finished and see she's pulled it into a long French braid down my back.

"Come on." She tells me, and together we walk back to the dormitory.

* * *

><p>Once we've returned I'm back to my old self. It was just a dream. I can handle dreams. Most of the time.<p>

Tris stops suddenly. I look at her in surprise and then follow her gaze to her bed. Someone's spray painted the word Stiff in red all over it.

I frown. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She raises her eyebrows at me. "You don't know? Stiff? Slang for Abnegation?"

I shrug.

She looks around the room and then glares at someone. I glance over and see Peter whistling and making his bed. Does she think that he did this?

"Have I done something to offend you?" I can hear her voice trembling in anger. "In case you haven't noticed, we're in the same faction now."

"I don't know what you're talking about." He raises his eyebrows innocently. "And we'll never be in the same faction."

I snort. He turns to glare at me.

"Well, since you're kind of living in the same room in the _Dauntless _compound, I'd say you're about as close to being in the same faction as you can get. Although, as far as I'm concerned, Tris is more Dauntless than quite a few of the people in this room. Not including me of course." I flip my braid and smile.

They both stare at me for a moment. "Okay. I've given my speech. You may continue with your now highly altered life." I wave my hand at Peter impatiently, and turn to change Tris's sheets before he can answer.

As soon as we hear him leave the room, we look at each other, and both burst out laughing at exactly the same time.

* * *

><p>We walk into the training room together and I find Will and Christina already there. I'm so happy that they're okay that I waltz over to them. "Will! Christina! You're finally back! You have no idea how lost I was without you! My heart felt so empty and hollow while you were gone! I missed you so much!" I pronounce dramatically and then give Will a kiss on the cheek. Christina's is so bruised that if I even touch it, it looks like it will hurt.<p>

Now all the initiates are looking at me. I see Edward I the corner, his hand covering his mouth. I give him a big smile and wink.

But when Tris walks over the mood sobers. We look at the blackboard and I mutter, "Uh-oh."

She's fighting Peter. I look at Four like 'What on earth were you thinking?' But he gives me a slight shake of his head and tilts it a little to the left. I follow his movement and see Eric standing at the door and I understand. As I look at him, I can almost hear his voice in my ear. Quickly I turn away.

"Don't worry Tris." I tell her. "I've got this under control."

Then I flounce over to where Peter and his two sidekicks, Molly and Drew stand. "Peter dearest!" I cry when I get there. "You mustn't hurt my poor friend Tris over there. I mean, you obviously have an unfair advantage." Everyone stares at me.

"Yes, with her allergies it will be most difficult for her to fight you. Oh, didn't you know? Tris has a severe allergic reaction to idiots, so if you go into the ring with her she'll be coughing and sneezing and can't possibly fend you off with her brilliant fighting skills!" Peter's face contorts into anger and I quickly shout, "Just kidding! What I really wanted to say it, since you're such a kind, honourable, gentle person, I certainly wouldn't want to have to hit you over the head with a chair if you don't fight fairly, so please do. Although, I'm sure you don't even need me to tell you this because you're already such a wonderful, _chivalrous _person." Then I throw my arms around him as he stands there in bewilderment.

I let go and look up at him with an innocent smile, pat him on the shoulder (which I have to reach a fair ways up to do), and walk back over to my friends.

Will's face is bright red and he's shaking with supressed laughter. Christina's eyes are bulging out of her head and she can't even get any words out she's giggling so hard. Tris has the biggest smile I've ever seen on her face.

Finally, Christina catches her breath. "That," she gasps, "Was the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen."

I shrug.

Will shakes his head at me. "I can't believe you actually hugged Peter. You must be craziest person I've ever met."

I bat my eyelashes. "Just doing my civil duty."

But then Eric walks over to Four and I can no longer pay attention to what they're saying because the guy scares me so bad I can't help but feel like prey being stalked.

"Why isn't Ti's name on the board?" He asks in a dangerously quiet. I immediately stiffen.

Four shakes his head. "Fine, if you want to put it up there then go ahead. But she'll be a disaster."

My mouth drops open at this and I stomp over to him. I know he's just doing what he's got to cover for me, but really, was the insult necessary?

"Excuse me, but I would _not _be a disaster! I am skilled in the art of awesome-kung-fu-moves, so there."

Eric's faces twists into a cruel smirk. "Is that so? Let's see then, who isn't fighting today? Will, isn't it? You can fight him."

"No way. I'm not fighting Will. I refuse. I don't care what you say, you can haul me into the ring all you want. I won't do it." I tell him. He can drag me kicking and screaming all the way to the chasm for all I care. I'd rather that than fight my friend.

"We'll see about that." He sneers. After that he doesn't say another word, and it scares me.

People fight, I stare at the floor. Edward fights Molly, but I don't watch. I don't want to see someone I care about be turned into a monster just for Eric's stupid games.

And then it's Tris and Peter's voice.

"You okay there, Stiff? You look like you're about to cry. I might go easy on you if you cry."

I cover my ears with my hands and shut my eyes tight. It will be over soon, I tell myself, you've just got to keep your eyes closed.

I can still hear Peter's muffled voice through my hands so I press them against my ears more tightly, squeezing my eyes closed as much as I possibly can.

Then, suddenly, a hand on my arm wrenches me around. Someone grips my hands and pulls them away from my ears with such brute strength I don't stand a chance.

"Open your eyes." Eric hisses. I shake my head, refusing to see. "Open them!" He yells. I try to jerk my arms away from him, but his grip is like iron.

"Open them or I'll make it worse for every single one of your friends." And then I open them, because no matter what I see, what he'll do if I don't will be worse.

His horrible face is grinning down at me. Then he yanks me so I'm in front of him and he's got me trapped, nails cutting into my grasp. I try to turn my face away but he grabs both of my hands in one of his so I can't move them, and he uses his other to hold my chin and the bottom half of my face harshly so that I have no choice but to watch. When I try to close my eyes he pulls on my hair and then I have to keep them open because it hurts.

So here I stand, in his hold, watching helplessly as Tris gets beaten. Eric is laughing, and Four has left. There's nothing anyone else can do.

Peter is so obviously a better fighter than her, the entire fight is completely unfair, and I already knew what was going to happen when she crumples to the ground.

It's odd, but now that she's lost, I don't feel like crying anymore. At least the fight's over.

Eric loosens his grip and I shove away from him, running to her side. Four comes to take her away, so I stand and face Peter. My tears are gone, but I'm angry. Oh, I'm so angry. The two of us stare each other down in the ring for a long, long time. But it isn't Peter. He's not the one to blame. He may be terrible and violent, but Eric is the real evil one here. I walk up to him, the one who's supposed to be our leader, and grab the front of his shirt. He's so surprised he doesn't even do anything.

"You do that again, and I will hurt you so bad that you won't be able to find your way off the floor, got it?" I spit at him, then let go and run out of the room.

I walk and walk and walk, not sure where I'm going. I don't know what's wrong with me. Threatening Eric was no better than Eric himself. I promised myself that I would never hurt anyone, because if I do then the last fragile part of me will shatter and I'll be gone. No Ti left. Just a heartless monster in my place.

**Please review and everything. **

**Love,**

**Lost1nTheLight**


	7. Chapter 7: You Can Be The Greatest

**Author's Note: Super sorry I couldn't update sooner, please forgive me. This chapter is kind of smaller than the others in the sense that it's focused on one specific thing that happens instead of a bigger picture or however you want to say it, but I hope you guys like it anyway. Please review and give me suggestions or just tell me if you like it or not. Also thanks so much for the reviews from before, you guys are so nice :) If I could I would use my magical powers and give you all a hug from however far away I am. (Plus a reminder that is probably completely unnecessary and a waste of space - I obviously don't own Hall Of Fame in case you didn't realize that.)  
><strong>

Chapter 7: You Can Be The Greatest

I visit Tris with Will and Christina and Al. We talk. I joke. But I can't even remember what I said, I wasn't even there.

* * *

><p>There's some field trip. We get dragged out of bed early and onto a train and then to some farms by the fence. Tris talks to a Robert guy from her old faction. Four gets her in trouble. I stay as far away from Eric as I can. I don't know what happens after that. I'm too far gone into the dark place. Right on the very edge of the cliff, it's all I can manage not to fall off.<p>

* * *

><p>I can't see anything. Nightmare. Again. When I step forward my foot falls through emptiness, and I stumble back. And then there's a voice. All around me, inside me. Dark. A whisper so loud I can barely hear. Vibrating through me down to my bones. Me. It's me. The voice in my own mind. Nothing quiets it. Not covering my ears. Not screaming. I'm not sure if I'm crying, or if I'm shouting, or if I'm silent. I can't tell. Falling. I'm falling now. There's nothing for me to hold onto. Falling.<p>

* * *

><p>I wake and I can't see anything. Even the darkness is blurry. Crying. I'm crying. My face is hot and I sit up. It's not fair. I already live in the nightmares by day, so why do they have to torment me in the night as well? I just want some peace. That's all.<p>

I don't know what does it, just the thought, or the dream, or everything, but I don't even try to supress the tears. I can't. They roll down my cheeks and there's nothing I can do to stop them.

I hear the bed beside me creaking and then there are arms around me. Christina. "It's okay. It's okay." She brushes my wet hair away from my face. "Here come on." She lays back down and I do as well. She whispers the same words over and over again, and I fall asleep with her voice in my ears, the tears still wet on my cheeks.

The flashlights wake me, even before Eric starts yelling. Christina sits up as well. "You okay?" She whispers. I give her a small, almost imperceptible nod. I can still remember the dream so vividly it's almost like it could consume my mind at any moment, but with Christina beside me, it doesn't seem so scary anymore.

Will sits up on my other side, too. He takes one look at my face, which must still be red from crying, and sweeps me into a hug. He asks quietly in my ear, "Are you alright?"

"I'm okay." I tell him, and he shifts so he blocks my view of Eric. Then he pushes my hair out of my eyes, and wipes my cheeks with his sleeve.

"Don't let Eric see you like that." He breathes so softly I can barely hear him. I nod. Now I understand why Will was an Erudite.

Before anything more can be said, Eric's voice fills the room. "Everybody up!" He roars. The three of us climb out of our beds and turn to face the Dauntless gathered in the room. Four is there. I don't look at him.

Yesterday Eric made me fight Edward. I think he just wanted to punish me, and thought that I would easily be beaten. But I wasn't. I didn't hit Edward. I didn't even try to land a blow, but he couldn't hit me either. Although he's the best fighter of us all, I managed to escape all of his strikes. I slipped under his arms when he raised them to punch, I dodged his kicks, I darted away from his grabs. Eventually Eric had to stop the fight because training was finished and it was against the rules for us to continue. The only good thing that came of it was Eric's face when Four told him time was up. I guess he didn't like being shown up. At least Edward was thoroughly impressed by me so I ate dinner with him after, which wasn't bad.

I hadn't even trained on the punching bags or anything, but when we were a lot younger, Carrie and I decided to teach ourselves how to fight. We would sneak out in the middle of the night and practice, over and over again. It wasn't even for defense that we did it. We thought that if we knew how to fight, then we'd be able to protect each other from all the villains in the books we'd read. But it didn't work. When the time came, I couldn't save Carrie.

Anyway, that's how I managed not to get beaten to a pulp.

"Did you go deaf, Stiff?" Eric yells at Tris. I want to shout something back at him. It doesn't matter how afraid I am, he doesn't have the right to talk to anyone like that. But then my gaze moves to Four behind him. He gives me a slight shake of his head and I snap my mouth shut. He's right. I'm not going to be able to win all the time.

Tris scrambles out of bed. She glances at Christina's bare legs and then at me. I look down at my attire and almost laugh. My pyjamas are some grey yoga shorts (that I stole from the bin that was going to go to the factionless), and a white t-shirt that after a lot of scavenging through the black clothes I found and wrote You're A Wizard Harry on with a big permanent marker.

A faint smile crosses over her lips, even though she doesn't know the joke.

Eric announces that, apparently, we're going on another field trip, so hurray for us. I don't even bother to change out of my pyjamas, I just put on the sweatshirt that was mine from before and my runners.

Then I sprint outside with the rest of them and we wait by the tracks. There's a big pile of guns and a couple of crates labeled: PAINTBALLS. I laugh. Oh man, this is going to be fun. I _love _paintballs. One time, Carrie and I crashed some dude's birthday party at the paintball place and got every single one of his friends out. So here we are, a couple of twelve year olds with paintballs guns in their hands, grinning two identically huge smiles, and the dude whose party it was comes over, way taller than us, as were all of his friends, at least four years older, and he says that the two of us are the coolest twelve year olds he's ever met and he invites us to stay for the rest of his party (which we actually had to leave early because it went so late). So we stay, and everybody wants us, the two little girls, on their team, and we totally dominate. That was a good day.

We all grab a gun and a couple of minutes later the train comes. I am not good at jumping on trains. I realized that last field trip when I almost fell out and died. I guess Four remembers too because he pulls me along with him and makes me sit deep inside the car so I have no possibility of getting my bones crushed.

Four begins to speak. "We'll be dividing into two teams to play capture the flag." Paintball capture the flag? Cool. "Each team will have an even mix of numbers, Dauntless-born and transfers. One team will get out first and hide their flag. Then the second team will do the same. This is a Dauntless tradition, so I suggest you take it seriously."

"What do we get if we win?" Someone asks.

I snort. "You get to win obviously."

Four nods at me. "Exactly. Not a very Dauntless thing to say."

"Four and I will be team captains. Let's divide up the transfers, shall we?" Eric asks. What's a guy like that doing using words like: Shall we?

"You go first." Four suggests. Wonderful.

"Edward." Eric says right away. Four thinks a while and then announces, "I want the Stiff." People laugh, Eric makes a snarky comment, but I watch Four. I wonder if this is where the whole 'Oh my! I'm so in love Tris, she's just so strong even though Peter beat her in two minutes!' thing starts. If it is then at least he isn't alone, I'm pretty sure Tris is beginning to like Four as well, although neither of them appear to be aware of it yet.

Eric looks around and his eyes land on me. I shrink away. "I'll take the kid." He drawls. "Ti." I stare at him, unmoving.

"Come on already, or did you go deaf?" He sneers.

I instantly straighten. "At least I'm not blind. Since when am I 'the little kid'? And honestly, I'd rather get kidnapped by Loki than be on your team. Well, I guess that's not the best comparison, because I really wouldn't mind being kidnapped by Loki at all."

Eric is not impressed. He grabs my arm and yanks me over to stand with Edward. I scowl. I'm really getting tired of people yanking me around _all _the time. Four, Eric, I mean seriously. Edward puts a comforting hand on my shoulder and I relax the tiniest bit.

"Christina." Four picks, glancing at me as she walks over to Tris. I think I might see something flash across his face for a second. Some kind of emotion that contrasts with the cold hardness of his features, but then he turns away and I'm not sure if I actually saw it or if my near death experiences with trains are affecting my mind.

"Peter."

What I would really love to do right now is go and bang my head on the wall repeatedly, but last time I tried that, I almost gave myself a concussion.

"Will."

"Molly."

"Al."

"Drew."

Myra ends up with us as well, for some unknown reason, and then it's onto the Dauntless-borns.

I don't recognize any of the ones that come to our team, but I hear the name Uriah in Four's choices and remember that Carrie told me about him. She'd always said he was awesome and so I really wish he'd gone on our team. I still have Edward so it's not too bad, but really? Eric, Drew, Peter _and _Molly? That's so not fair.

Four's team gets off first and my friends give me mournful looks. I glare at my shoes. Then we get off and I grab Edward's arm to keep from falling on my face.

Our team follows Eric, Peter and his sidekicks whispering meanly to each other. Myra walks on the other side of Edward and keeps shooting me glances. At first I have no idea why but then I realize she thinks I'm trying to steal her boyfriend. I shake my head at her. I would never do something like that, I'm almost hurt she would think such a thing of me (though to be fair, we don't know each other very well in the first place). In all honesty, I've never even had a crush before, no joke. Well, not a real crush. Only Carrie knew about my embarrassing thing about Percy Jackson when I was ten.

Myra looks relieved. I guess she can kind of tell now that an awesome chick like me is way too kicking people's butts and performing insane ninja moves to even consider something like that.

Eric ends up leading us into a little clearing with a line of trees for coverage. I stop and put my hands on my hips.

"This is a terrible place to hide our flag. These trees will give us almost absolutely no way to hide, they'll be able to find us so easily it's not even funny. All they have to do is get to some higher ground and there we are, in plain view."

Eric has that ugly sneer on his face again. He gets right up in mine. "I don't care what you think you know. I am the leader of this team, and I am the one making the rules. So if you want to keep that delicate little face of yours unscarred, I suggest you keep your mouth shut." Then he turns his back on me. "You can be on guard duty." He calls over his shoulder.

"Great." I mutter. I'm not sure what happens next, but I'm on the ground and the wind's been knocked out of me. And then Eric's on top of me gripping my hair in one hand, pinning me down.

"I don't know who you are, but I know that you don't belong here. So until I find out what you're hiding, you better be careful little girl." He drags a dirty fingernail across my cheek, and I can feel it cutting into my skin, then the warm blood running like tears down into my hair, and onto my neck. He fists my shirt in his hands, lifts me a couple of inches off the ground and slams me back down. He does it so hard that I can't breathe and my head hits off something like a thick tree root or a smooth rock imbedded in the ground. But when I reach back, I don't feel any of the sticky warmness of blood, so I'm okay.

Eric gets off me and I lay there for a moment, catching my breath. Edward comes and picks me up, setting me on my feet. I gulp air and nod at him.

"I'm fine."

He stays there looking concerned but I wave him off and go to stand in front of the tree they've places the flag in. I lean back against it, eyes scanning the little coverage we have for a breach. After a few minutes of nothing I start sing quietly to myself. I've had this song stuck in my head for ages and I'm tired of repeating the lyrics in my mind. Also if I sing it loud enough Eric will probably hear and it will tick him off, which is a plus, as long as he doesn't decide to kill me.

"Yeah, you can be the greatest  
>You can be the best<br>You can be the King Kong banging on your chest

You can beat the world  
>You can beat the war<br>You can talk to God, go banging on his door

You can throw your hands up  
>You can beat the clock (yeah)<br>You can move a mountain  
>You can break rocks<br>You can be a master  
>Don't wait for luck<br>Dedicate yourself and you gon' find yourself

Standing in the hall of fame (yeah)  
>And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)<br>'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah)  
>And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)<br>And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

You can go the distance  
>You can run the mile<br>You can walk straight through hell with a smile

You can be the hero  
>You can get the gold<br>Breaking all the records they thought never could be broke

Yeah, do it for your people  
>Do it for your pride<br>How are you ever gonna know if you never even try?

Do it for your country  
>Do it for your name<br>'Cause there's gonna be a day...

When you're standing in the hall of fame (yeah)  
>And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)<br>'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah)  
>And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)<br>And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

Be a champion, be a champion, be a champion, be a champion  
>On the walls of the hall of fame<p>

Be students  
>Be teachers<br>Be politicians  
>Be preachers<br>(Yeah)

Be believers  
>Be leaders<br>Be astronauts  
>Be champions<br>Be truth seekers

Be students  
>Be teachers<br>Be politicians  
>Be preachers<p>

Be believers  
>Be leaders<br>Be astronauts  
>Be champions<p>

Standing in the hall of fame (yeah, yeah, yeah)  
>And the world's gonna know your name (yeah, yeah, yeah)<br>'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah, yeah, yeah)  
>And the world's gonna know your name (yeah, yeah, yeah)<br>And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

(Be a champion)  
>You could be the greatest<br>(Be a champion)  
>You can be the best<br>(Be a champion)  
>You can be the King Kong banging on your chest<p>

(Be a champion)  
>You could beat the world<br>(Be a champion)  
>You could beat the war<br>(Be a champion)  
>You could talk to God, go banging on his door<p>

(Be a champion)  
>You can throw your hands up<br>(Be a champion)  
>You can beat the clock (yeah)<br>(Be a champion)  
>You can move a mountain<br>(Be a champion)  
>You can break rocks<p>

(Be a champion)  
>You can be a master<br>(Be a champion)  
>Don't wait for luck<br>(Be a champion)  
>Dedicate yourself and you gonna find yourself<br>(Be a champion)

Standing in the hall of fame"

I smile to myself. I can't help it. That song makes me smile. It just does. The lyrics. The band. It just makes me smile. Carrie and I used to blast it at her house and we would sing the lyrics at the top of our lungs. When people walked down the road and looked at us we would stick our tongues out and keep singing.

I think about that. I think about that instead of Eric cutting my cheek open. Instead of how much he scares me. Instead of how I thought he was going to kill me.

And then, I hear shots. I leap to my feet and aim my gun. There they are, Four's team. I aim and fire, over and over and over again, each a hit. But there are too many and as they run at me a Dauntless-born tackles me to the ground while Christina jumps and grabs our flag. And just like that, they've won.

The boy on top of me lifts himself up a couple of inches so he can look at my face. He grins. "Hello."

Really? Hello? "Hi."

"Sorry about that. Guess you were too good of a shot to leave standing." He says cheerfully.

"Sure." I drag the word out while rolling my eyes. "But if I get a concussion, I'm blaming you." His smile widens.

"Sounds fair."

We stay like that for a moment. Then I raise an eyebrow. "You can get off me now."

He raises his own eyebrow, like a challenge. "I don't know, this is kind of nice. You would be a wonderful pillow –"

Before he can finish I shove him off and he falls on the ground, laughing.

"Yes. Haha very funny." I get up and dust myself off. He gets up too, now that he's standing at his full height I can see that he's more than a foot taller than me. Seriously?

"Wow, you're kind of tiny." He comments.

I glare. "Oh yeah?"

He nods, "Oh yeah." Laughing. Again.

"Well you look like a scrawny Dean Thomas so there." I tell him. "Actually never mind, you look nothing like Dean Thomas."

He stares and I huff, turning on my heel and marching toward the train. He follows me. "So they left you to guard the flag? You couldn't even reach it if you jumped."

I spin around and snarl at him. "Maybe we really should see who's a better shot."

He puts his hands up in surrender. "I'll take your word for it."

"Good choice." I blow a piece of hair out of my face. "Isn't it against the rules to tackle me so I can't shoot your team?"

He shrugs. "Not that I know of."

I roll my eyes and keep walking to the train. This is really not a good day.

"So what happened to your face?"

"I told Eric that it was a terrible place to hide because all you guys would have to do is get to some higher ground and you would see exactly where we were, I guess he got kind of mad so he cut me."

"What, he brought a knife out here?" The boy asks.

I shake my head. "No, he used his fingernail."

The boy stops in his tracks and I can almost feel him recoil. "His fingernail?"

I stop too and turn back around to look at him. I lift one shoulder in a little shrug and for no reason suddenly feel like crying. "Yeah, I guess it was too much of a bother getting a knife dirty for me, huh?" I try to smile at him but he's turned all blurry from the tears welling up in my eyes. What is wrong with me? This is not something I would ever cry over so why are my stupid eyes getting all watery? Angrily, I turn back around and wipe the tears away. Stupid.

He runs to catch up. "I –" He begins as we reach the train. I take a hold of a car to pull myself up, but before the boy can say another word and before I can climb in, two hands shoot out of the train and shove hard. I lose my grip and land on my back on the ground. My head cracks on the cement and my vision goes black for a second. Then I recover. Ridiculously enough, my first thought is 'Seriously? Twice in one day?' Except this time I can feel the blood seeping into my hair, covering the back of my head.

To tell you the truth it actually doesn't hurt that much. I blink to clear away the rest if the black spots.

The boy is kneeling beside me. "Are you okay?" He's panicked.

Eric hops down from the train to stand over me. Of course it was him. I think this and suddenly I'm frightened – terrified – that sometime he's going to end up killing me.

"I told you to guard the flag." He hisses. "One job. And you can't even do something as simple as that."

Four jumps down as well and shoves Eric away from me. "What the h –" (word I will not repeat) "Do you think you're doing?"

They shout curses at each other and yell, but my brain is too fuzzy to hear. The boy picks me up and carries me onto the train, setting me down on the floor.

"What happened?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm going to kill that guy."

I hear all of this, but not really. I see my friends' faces, but they're all out of focus.

Four gets back onto the train. "I'm going to need to look at your head." He tells me. I turn so he can gently feel around the wound. When his fingers get too close I flinch. "Someone distract her." Four demands.

Edward's voice reaches me. "Why don't you tell us a joke, Ti?" Really? That's the best he can do? That's a terrible distraction.

"Okay. I started wearing no shoes like Bilbo Baggins. It became a hobbit." I wait for them to laugh but they kind of just look at each other funnily. Right. They don't know anything. Of course. That wasn't even that good of a joke but my brain's all messed up and it's kind of the best I can do. I feel really tired. I should just close my eyes for a second. Who is that behind me, touching my head? That's Tobias. He and Tris should hurry up and fall in love already. My head hurts. What happened to my head? It really hurts. What's the boy who tackled me's name? He never told me his name. I try to ask him but I can't seem to speak. I'm just so tired.

My eyes flutter closed and I'm out like a light.

**Please review and all that jazz because it will make me happy and yeah being happy is pretty cool.****  
><strong>

**Love,**

**Lost1nTheLight**


	8. IMPORTANT (Clancy the Mermaid)

**Author's Note: Alright, so this is going to be a little it of a long author's note but it's VERY SUPER EXTREMELY IMPORTANT THAT YOU READ IT PLEASE. Okay, so here's the thing. The whole No Way Out Of The Nightmares story got deleted from my phone, so now I can't rewrite it on my computer and upload it. Which is a big problem. I have the beginning bit of the next chapter but that's it. So I'm working really hard on that right now but from that point on it's going to take a lot of work and time to rewrite the whole thing, especially since I don't remember what I had before. However, I WILL continue to update, I'm just going to need a little time. Please don't un-follow or anything because I'm doing my best, you're just going to have to be patient. The whole thing has got me pretty down and so I'm just really blue right now, because I worked really hard on this story and now it's gone and yeah, it just sucks :( I'll do my best to update as soon as I can and I'm so sorry that this happened, please forgive me for the time it will take to continue. Now, I read somewhere on the rules that you aren't supposed to post Author Notes as entire chapters so I wrote a tiny little story below so I don't get in trouble. Be aware, it is really creepy and weird and hideous and I have no idea why I wrote it. I may change it later on to something way better if and when I have the time. Also, it's still kind of fanfiction, like a very gruesome disgusting disturbing spin off of the Little Mermaid. If you like my writing at all, please don't read it because it will completely ruin your respect for me. Again, I apologize and can only hope you'll forgive me, firstly because really I'm feeling down and gloomy at this moment and couldn't think of any good story to write so I just made up this weird one on the spot, and secondly for not updating as quickly. I hope you understand.**

**Love,**

**Lost1nTheLight**

Once upon a time there was a mermaid named Clancy. She hated being a mermaid. She would swim upstream to the golden fields of the magical land called Land and would gaze upon the gorgeous sky and sun and wish with all her heart that she could be lying under them, the tall swaying grass surrounding her, a light breeze blowing over her face, tickling her nose.

She went there so often, that at one point, many years ago, one of the creatures from Land saw her, and eventually a beautiful friendship blossomed. The creature from Land was named Bertha the Troll, and she could walk. Although they were the best besties of the besties, Clancy sometimes became extremely jealous of Bertha the Troll. All she ever wanted in her life was to have legs, just like the Land animals.

So that's how, one warm evening as the sun descended over the Land, the last traces of light quickly vanishing, Clancy stumbled across something very interesting. She had just been there in the water, where the stream met the fields, when she saw a four leaf clover sitting just at the edge of the grass. Enraptured by the glorious sight of the little plant, Clancy picked it right out of the ground and held it in her hands for a moment.

That was when her bestie, Bertha the Troll came along and saw what Clancy had found.

"Oh Clancy!" She cried in her disgustingly lovely nasal voice. "Do you know what you have? Clovers like that are incredibly rare and magical. You can make any wish, and as long as you throw it into the air where it catches the last rays of sunshine before night falls, the wish will come true!"

Clancy was overjoyed. This was it. The moment she'd been waiting for her entire life. Right here and now. Closing her eyes tightly, Clancy thought of the thing she had desired for years so deeply it was as if the wish came from within her very soul. Then she tossed the clover into the air and just as the golden drops of light hit it, an explosion of white overcame her and she blacked out.

* * *

><p>She awoke later, alone in the fields, feeling very strange. Bertha the Troll was nowhere to be seen. Slowly, as Clancy regained her sight she stood. Actually stood! A wonderful, amazing second passed and then a sudden overwhelming pain came over her and she fell back down to the ground. Clancy looked down in shock and saw something absolutely horrid. Instead of legs, she had a gigantic hand sprouting from her torso and one of the fingers were broken, from when she had tried to walk.<p>

No! It could not be! This was not her wish! She had wanted to be a Land animal! With legs! Like her best bestie of the besties! How could fate be so cruel and turn her into a hideous abomination instead?

Sobbing, Clancy tried to stand again, desperate to get back to the water, but as she did another finger broke, and she collapsed a second time. How could this have happened? How? Clancy didn't understand. The pain was excruciating, but she knew her only option was to get back to the stream, so, arms trembling, she dragged herself across the grass that had been once so beautiful. As she went, a third finger broke, then a fourth, and a fifth, and just like that her arm/hand/legs were suddenly a mass of blood and flesh and bones. Just as she was about to give up, unable to continue with the white hot agony coursing through her entire lower body, her hand (the one attached to her upper body) passed over a smooth, cold surface hidden in the grass.

Clancy picked it up, but what she saw was a revolting, gruesome, non-mermaid mermaid staring back. It was a mirror. Crying out in despair she decided that if this was what life was to be like, she no longer wanted to be a part of it. So with her last ounce of strength, she made her slow way to the cave where Bertha the Troll lived to say good bye to her best friend. But when she entered, she found not her bestie, but a poisonous broomstick. Overridden by sadness and grief, Clancy the mermaid swallowed the broomstick and was no more.

**Like I said, please forgive me I'm so sorry for writing such an awful disturbing story, hopefully I'll change it soon, and also for all the problems going on right now.**

**Love,**

**Lost1nTheLight**


	9. Chapter 9: Freedom

**Author's Note: Alright, so I managed to finish this chapter, and I really hope you guys like it. I already had like half of it written on my computer before the story got deleted on my phone so it wasn't too difficult because I just had to finish it off. But now I'm completely lost as to where I should start again, because after this I have nothing. So, if anyone has any ideas AT ALL please tell me, any suggestions would be appreciated beyond measure (did that even make sense?) So please, please, please review and tell me what you think and throw some ideas at me because right now I can't write anything because nothing sounds right and it's just a mess and aside from this everything's just been bad. And it sucks.**

**Love,**

**Lost1nTheLight**

Chapter 8: Freedom

I wake up in the hospital. I know right away. I can just tell. It has that scent of chemicals that tickles your nose and the white, sterile walls that I've always hated. There are a bunch of people surrounding my bed and suddenly I'm glad that I'm not claustrophobic. There's Christina sitting in a chair, biting her lip worriedly; eyes darting around the room. Tris is beside her, knee bouncing nervously. Will is pacing back and forth a little ways from the foot of my bed. The boy who tackled me is sitting on the floor with his back against the wall.

Will turns to look at me as soon as I open my eyes as if he has some awesome friend instinct that tells him I'm awake.

"Hi." I try to say but instead croak. I'm not even kidding. I sound like a frog.

The others look up and rush over.

"Ti!" Christina cries. "You were like, dead! Don't worry I'm going to punch Eric's face in. But oh, I feel so terrible! We should have known leaving you alone on Eric's team was a terrible idea!"

I shrug. "You wouldn't have been able to do anything anyway, I mean Edward was on my team and if he couldn't stop him then I don't think you need to worry about it."

"That guy is such a pansycake." The boy who tackled me says venomously.

"Yeah. Totally." I agree although I have no clue what a pansycake is.

"The doctor says you're fine. You should be able to come back to training today, you don't even need stitches. It was just a superficial wound, but you lost so much blood that you passed out. You're okay now though." Tris informs me.

"Good. I hate hospitals. They suck." I breathe a sigh of relief. The last time I had to lie around in one of these was when I broke my collarbone. Of course, that time Carrie had brought her portable DVD player and we watched Pirates of the Caribbean and The Hobbit all day long. I don't think I would have been able to bear it without any movies this time.

"Um, just wondering, what's your name?" I ask the boy who tackled me.

"Oh." He smiles sheepishly, which is quite an accomplishment for me because I get the feeling that this guy is not one to be sheepish at all. Like me.

"I'm Uriah."

"Er-I-Ah." I sound the word out in my mouth. "You've got a pretty funky name dude."

He grins and nods. "Well you need an awesome name to go with an awesome personality, don't you?" Well aren't you humble. So this is the kid that Carrie told me about. Though I probably should not be calling him a kid since he's obviously older than me.

"Alright. Cool. Now someone please get me out of here." I say.

They laugh, probably glad that I'm okay enough to be my normal wonderful self.

* * *

><p>When we get to training there are knives all over the place. Well, not all over the place because then we'd be walking on them and that would be bad. But all over a table in the corner.<p>

"Okay. Nobody better stab me in the back of the head." My voice drops to a whisper. "My bandages are sensitive."

Eric is there which makes me turn right back around to walk out of there but Will grabs my arm so I can't leave. How rude. Do I not have the right to not want to have my skull crushed? Apparently not.

Eric is all like, 'pick up three knives little children or I will burn you all at the stake!' and Four shows how to throw them. Then Eric orders us to line up in front of the target and I'm about to retort because seriously? Why should he get to order us around? This isn't the military. But Will throws me a sharp glance and I snap my mouth shut.

I stand beside Edward. His gaze is focused intently on the target as he grips the knife in his hand. Just as he's getting ready to throw I shout, "Don't mess up!" He jumps but it's too late. He's already thrown it. It doesn't even hit the target. He turn to glare at me.

"You messed me up!" What a horrendous accusation!

I smile innocently. "Now why would I ever want to do that?"

He narrows his eyes and take another knife. "If you say anything this time I promise I will hurt you."

I just nod serenely. "I wouldn't dream of it."

He rolls his eyes but the corner of his mouth twitches. This time he throws and hits the target. It doesn't stick, but still, it's pretty good. I clap wildly. This time a real smile crosses his lips. He doesn't look at me but I can still see it. It makes me grin.

Half an hour later I haven't even picked up a knife when I hear Eric's voice, but he isn't talking to me.

"How slow are you Candor? Do you need glasses? Should I move the target closer to you?" It's Al he's shouting at this time. I don't really know Al, but I do know that Eric has no right to insult any of us.

Al tries to hit the target again but misses. "What was that initiate?" Eric asks quietly.

"Hmm, well I can't be sure but it looked like he just threw a knife. What do you think? I mean, maybe he leapt into the air and twirled like a ballerina and you were so stunned by its beauty that it didn't even register in your mind what happened, but I'm pretty sure it's the first option." My voice rings out across the now silent room. Eric is a real jerk and there's no way that I'm going to let him bully Al.

"Excuse me?" Eric turns to look at me.

"So not only are you blind, but deaf as well." I look at him with disgust. Eric turns sharply back to Al.

"In front of the target. Now." He says, then commands all the initiates to go stand at the wall. I don't move.

Eric stalks up to me and presses three knives into my hand. Then he grabs me by the hair and pulls me in front of the target. I go because it really hurts and I hate when people pull my hair.

Once a kid a couple grades older than me tried to do it and he ended up going to the hospital. Carrie and I laughed that night at her house.

Until we found out he had died.

Kidding. But only about the dying part. I really did put him in the hospital and we really did laugh.

"You." Eric hisses in my ear. "Are going to throw these knives at your apparently _dear _friend Al. Although, since you decided not to do as you were told and didn't throw a single knife the entire lesson, I'm not sure if it will turn out too well."

I jerk away from him, making my scalp scream, but at the same time releasing my hair from his grip. "Are you kidding me? There's no way I'm going to throw knives at him. Who do you think I am? Batman? I'll kill him."

"Well then I guess that will be your fault, won't it?" Eric sneers meanly.

"Uh-uh. No way. You get someone else to throw your knives. Or, even better, you can stop being a jerk and leave Al alone." I say this with my usual level of indifference, but in reality I have to squeeze the knives tightly so he can't see my trembling hands. What's he trying to do? Make me kill Al?

Eric leans closer to say something particularly biting but then there's another voice. "Stop."

It's Tris.

What an idiot.

I probably shouldn't be talking though. She gives some inspiring speech about Eric being a bully and that he should stop being such an imbecile, and to reward her for her stupidity, Eric tells her to switch places with Al. But I'm not listening, I'm just staring at Tris like she's lost her mind. What could possible possess her to do something so completely and amazingly dense?

I step away from the target. "I'm not throwing knives at her either."

"Oh yeah? Fine. But you _will _be punished. I promise you." He warns menacingly.

"Lovely. Looking forward to it."

"You, Stiff, in front of the target now. Since your friend is apparently too much of a coward –"

Okay. That is enough. I'm really getting sick of this guy. I clutch the knives tightly in my hands and then hurl on at Eric. It grazes across the side of his face and imbeds itself in the wall behind him. I look down at my hand, impressed. That was pretty good.

Then I realize that I just threw a knife at Eric. Uh-oh. He stares at me for a moment, then lunges. I dodge and run for it. I sprint across the room to hide behind a target. I guess I probably shouldn't have been calling Tris stupid because I just did one of the dumbest things in my whole life, and that's saying quite a lot. But I can take care of myself, I do this kind of stuff all the time. Well, I don't throw knives at people all the time, but I do stupid things all the time so I'm pretty good at getting myself out of trouble.

I jump out from behind the target, pointing my finger at him like a wand.

"Stand and fight like a man you coward! Didn't Dumbledore teach you manners?" I shout. Everyone looks at me, their faces a sea of shock and confusion. While I have them distracted I bolt form the room, patting Eric on the shoulder as I go.

Once I'm out I run down the hall and skid to a stop. Where do I go now? I can hear pounding coming after me from the training room so I take a left and run for my life.

* * *

><p>It's at least twenty minutes before I'm certain that I'm safe. I'm going to be in big trouble for this later, but as long as Eric doesn't find me I don't care.<p>

I sigh and look around, only now noticing that I have no idea where I am. I shove my hands in my pockets and decide that now is a good time to wander around and explore, and hopefully get very lost so I won't know how to find my way back to where Eric is probably waiting for me. I walk around the compound, ducking whenever I see someone that might get me in trouble. I don't know how long this goes on for, but eventually I end up outside, don't ask me how.

The air is crisp and fresh and blows against my face lightly. All around me is crumbling city and endless train tracks and stormy sky and fields and the wind. Out here everything is so free. Not suffocated by civilization and masses of people always trying to change and tamper with things to make them better, when really they're just ruining them, the way they seem to have become accustomed to doing. As I stand out here, alone, a feeling wells up in me that is very familiar. I feel liberated. Free. Every time Carrie and I did something crazy, or unexpected, or dangerous, or against the rules, it was always for this exact feeling. We were addicted to it. We'd get drunk on our own freedom. I guess that's partly why our lives were the way they were. Different. Insane. Extraordinary. If it wasn't for our obsession with that one particular feeling, we could have drowned in our misery and depression, there were more than enough reasons to, but instead we craved it. The freedom. And like it should, it made us free. It made us alive.

I close my eyes and smile. Silence for a moment, then a rumbling in the ground. Oh good, an opportunity to get into even more trouble. I open my eyes and wait. When I see the train coming from a distance, I begin to run, swinging onto the very first car before it leaves me behind.

So I'm sitting on this train and I'll tell you something. The floor is very hard. I mean, seriously, did no one think in all the years they've had these things maybe to put some cushions in or something? Are they trying to make our butts end up sore for the rest of the month or what? I sigh. Well this seemed to be a great idea until the butt thing came up and now I can't help but be aware of how uncomfortable it is.

Well a good way to help uncomfortableness is to write a song. Maybe. I actually don't know why that should make any sense but who cares? Now I feel writing a song so I'm going to write a song. Not with my own tune though because that would turn out horrifically. I'll just steal a song and put my own lyrics in. First I need to think of one.

Ummmmmmmmmmmm.

Oh. Well once in grade 5 we had an end of the year party at school and this one girl brought her iPod for music and ALL she had was Taylor Swift and she kept playing this one song over and over again. Man that was annoying. All I wanted to do was smash my head into the wall afterwards. Not that Taylor Swift is particularly bad or anything, she's got some okay songs, but when you could be listening to something like the Beatles how does she even compare, you know?

Anyway, there was one song that was stuck in my head for _days. _It was called Enchanted or something like that, and I'm pretty sure she made it for Owl City so I guess it's not too bad because Owl City's awesome. Yeah, that will be a funny one to do.

I frown at the ground for a while, thinking of what lyrics would fit best until I've got a pretty good song if I do say so myself. Okay. This is how it goes:

"There I was again today

Making jokes, getting in the way

Same old boring meaningless place

Beside Edward is where I stood

Staying hidden as best I could

My disgust shot up when I saw your face

All I can say is I was terrified to meet you

Your eyes whispered 'I'll kill you'

Made me want to kill you too

But I restrained my murderous skills

Of course I know it's not a game

But sometimes I wanna call you lame

You know your smile just gives me chills

And it was terrifying to meet you

All I can say is I was terrified to meet you

This knife is sharp, I couldn't help but throw it at you

I'm an idiot but it's okay 'cause Tris is too

I'll spend forever wondering if you knew

I was terrified to meet you

Okay that's enough." I mutter, very proud of my song-writing skills but not so proud of the song I wrote. That was absolutely terrible. I should be ashamed. Although I do kind of like writing songs. It's pretty fun.

I spend about an hour thinking of other lyrics, then fall asleep. The only thing that I can think before I'm out is that this is going to get me in huge trouble.

* * *

><p>Ow. I wake up and my only thought is ow. My neck's going to be sore for a week. If I thought this floor was hard before it's nothing compared to now. What an awful idea it was to fall asleep on this stupid train. This has been a really off day for me. I mean seriously, I've been doing idiotic things since I woke up in the morning.<p>

Oh well, maybe I can fix it somehow when I find out how to get back to the compound. I stand, stretching my arms way above my head for a moment then walk over to the side of the car, close enough to the edge that the wind whips my hair fiercely around my face. All I can see are abandoned buildings and barren land stretching everywhere. I have no clue where I am. I guess this is the punishment for my stupidity.

A deep breath, steady myself, and jump.

And land flat on my face.

I guess I should have anticipated that one. I'm really bad at jumping off these things. I mean it's not even funny, I'm seriously going to die someday because I can't jump off a train. But I'll probably end up getting myself killed before that. Most likely by Eric but Four is always a possibility as well. I'm pretty sure he's been trying very hard to restrain himself of late. It makes me sort of proud. Which is a bad thing I know but whatever.

Time to get back to the faction that's just about ready to murder me.

I pick myself up and start to walk. I'm sure if I follow the train tracks I'll end up somewhere that I might know. Maybe. Well it's worth a try anyway.

As I walk I look at the buildings and the sky. They're the kind of forgotten that makes you feel unexpectedly sad, but peaceful at the same time. I keep the feeling in the back of my mind. Peace is not something I experience often, and in that moment I'm happy to just walk here, in the middle of nowhere with no one around.

Well that's until I hear the pounding of footsteps. I freeze, I knew I would have to face humans sometime or another but I wasn't expecting it to be this soon. I don't even have my alibi ready yet.

This is bad. This is very bad.

Before I can prepare my defense someone's standing in front of me.

Four.

Great.

He grabs my shoulders, fingers digging into my skin so hard I'm sure I'll have bruises. He glares at me. "You are in so much trouble young lady."

My first thought is that he sounds like my father with the 'young lady'. My second thought is that I've never heard Four talk like that before, which is a very worrisome observation.

"Oh. Hi. I was just coming to find you. Did I ever tell you what a nice person you are? So forgiving and merciful and understanding. It's really amazi –" I start but he claps his hand over my mouth and begins to drag me by the arm.

"I don't even want to hear you talk right now. If you want to stay alive you're going to keep your mouth shut and do exactly as I say. You have no idea how angry I am, so I'm telling you this. I know you like doing things that get you into trouble and not listening and whatever but I promise if you don't obey me this time I will not be able to stop myself form strangling you, got it?" He seethes.

He looks really angry. Like I know he always looks angry but right now he's absolutely furious. I contemplate biting his hand and making a run for it, but then think better of it. I'd rather not be strangled today, maybe next time but I've still got things to do, people to annoy, so really I can't afford to die. That is, unless I was like the Winchesters and managed to come back to life every freaking time I was killed. Those guys are seriously awesome. They're just like 'Oh no I'm dead, wait for it . . . Haha I'm back and ready to kill some demons!' It's pretty wicked.

I'm so distracted by thinking of the statistical possibility of being resurrected if Four was to murder me that I don't notice we're in sight of the compound now. Wow, it's closer than I thought. Except really it isn't because the sky is starting to dim like a light bulb burning out and I realize I must have spent longer thinking about the Winchesters than I thought. Well, it makes sense considering the billions of times they've come back to life.

This is all fine until it occurs to me that Eric's in there and I recoil. I guess that's just my natural reaction to the creepy dude. Four halts and spins around to give me and death glare. I jerk away from him. He seriously needs to calm down. "You're coming with me right now." He growls. I raise my eyebrows as if to say 'You wanna bet, buddy?'

He grinds his teeth together. (Do people even do that?)Then in one swift movement he throws me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. In books I always wondered why people didn't just fight them and escape while they were being carried around like this, but now I understand. It's a very awkward position to be situated in. So instead of struggling I make myself comfortable. Funnily enough, this is much nicer than sitting on the train. I could probably go to sleep on his shoulder like this, but that would quite possibly make him even angrier so I won't even try. You see, usually I would be happy to make him angry but I think now is not the best time to be trying his temper.

So I just let him carry me into the compound and wave at everyone who passes by. He brings me all the way to what I suppose is his apartment and then throws me onto the bed. I sit up and cross my arms.

"That wasn't very nice."

He ignores me. That isn't very nice either.

Four begins to pace in front of me. Uh-oh. Pacing is always a bad sign. Finally he spins around and glowers down at me. "I thought I already told you to start following the rules or you were going to get yourself into serious trouble. And then you go and do this. I mean, what is wrong with you Ti? Are you trying to end up dead?"

I sigh. "Okay. Fine. I'm sorry. It wasn't my most intelligent move. I'll do my best not to get myself killed from now on, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to do whatever everyone says because I'd rather join the factionless than be ordered around." I turn my chin up defiantly.

He takes a deep, steadying breath and then kneels in front of me so we're at eye level. That means he's serious.

"Okay Ti, we need to work out some kind of deal between the two of us or else this whole thing is going to come crashing down. I'm the only one who knows anything about you so I need you to trust me if you want to stay alive. You can't just go around doing whatever you want. I'm not going to control your life but you have to at least listen to what I say, because if I take the time to tell you it means that it's something important, got it? I'm not going to keep you as a slave but we need to work together is there's going to be any chance of you surviving." He looks me straight in the eye.

"Wow, that's a lot of rules." I comment.

"Ti." He warns.

"Okay, okay fine!" I surrender.

"Good. Now get out of my room, brat." He commands, standing and turning his back on me.

I grin and hop off his bed. "I bet Tris will be jealous when she finds out I was alone in your room with you before she was."

Four turns around slowly to look at me, his mouth hanging open, cheeks flaming red.

I bite my lip, but can't stop from giving him a wicked smile. Just as he lunges for me I throw open the door and sprint outside.

* * *

><p>I'm still laughing maniacally when I enter the dormitory. I stride over to where Christina, Will Tris and Al sit.<p>

"I'm alive." I announce loudly, and watch gleefully as they all practically fall on their faces from shock and turn to look at me in amazement.

"Ti! Where'd you go? Eric didn't catch you! How'd you outrun him? What happened? Why's your hair all windblown?" Christina exclaims.

I smile. "I used magic to outrun him." I inform them. "Then I wandered around until I ended up outside the compound, jumped onto a train, wrote a song, fell asleep, woke up, jumped off, wandered around trying to find my way back, got rescued by Four, then dragged into the compound and yelled at. It was all very exciting and exhausting. The end." I pronounce dramatically.

They stare at me for a moment, obviously unsure of what to say.

"But I don't advise any of you guys to do that because I'm awesome at getting myself in and out of trouble and I'm sorry to say that I don't think you are, from lack of experience you know? Also you'll get a very scary Four yelling at you, if you're lucky. I'm just glad Eric didn't find me. That guy seriously creeps me out. He's like a gross, unwashed, cruel, violent, evil homeless person that's not actually homeless and happens to have quite a few very dangerous weapons called guns at his disposal but apparently no shampoo and also kind of controls our fate at the present moment." You know it's pretty hard to say all that in one breath, but somehow I managed to do it and now I feel immensely, and rather unreasonably proud of myself. That's when I remember there are humans in my presence. "So yeah." I finish, nodding my head.

Will is the first to break from his trance and start to laugh. I grin at him. "So what's this song you wrote?" He raises his eyebrows.

I'm caught off guard for a moment then start to laugh, remembering how terrible it was. "You don't want to hear it." I assure him.

"Oh yes I do." He challenges. Great. Now I'm stuck.

"Okay, your funeral." I warn. He just watches me apprehensively. A deep breath and I begin.

"There I was again today

Making jokes, getting in the way

Same old boring meaningless place

Beside Edward is where I stood

Staying hidden as best I could

My disgust shot up when I saw your face

All I can say is I was terrified to meet you

Your eyes whispered 'I'll kill you'

Made me want to kill you too

But I restrained my murderous skills

Of course I know it's not a game

But sometimes I wanna call you lame

You know your smile just gives me chills

And it was terrifying to meet you

All I can say is I was terrified to meet you

This knife is sharp, I couldn't help but throw it at you

I'm an idiot but it's okay 'cause Tris is too

I'll spend forever wondering if you knew

I was terrified to meet you

No offense intended, Tris." I add at the end, since I kind of did call her an idiot. I watch their reactions. I think they're in shock because they're not moving and their faces are frozen in strange expressions. I'm wondering if maybe I should call 911 (do they even have 911 here?) but then all four start to laugh. And not just giggle lightly or anything, the kind of laughter where you're doubled over, choking and gasping and laughing so hard you can barely breathe. Huh. I guess it wasn't that bad after all. Interesting.

"Ti," Christina gasps, "You are my favourite person in the world. I'm not even kidding. I mean 'restrained my murderous skills', 'an idiot but it's okay because Tris is too'. I'm dying."

I smile. This is why these guys are my friends. Instead of 'you shouldn't have left the compound blah blah blah' it's uncontrollable laughter.

Finally they manage to compose themselves and Will puts a hand on my head and brings it to him, making me fall into his lap. "I love you Ti." He says, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes, then kisses the top of my head. I grin.

"Your lap is the best pillow I've had all day." I inform him. Between the train and Four's shoulder this is heaven. In fact, I begin to drift off right there before I can even put on my pyjamas.

**Again, please review. Please, it would mean a lot and really help me out, especially if you've got any ideas.**

**Love,**

**Lost1nTheLight**

**P.S. I'm going to apologize again for the terrible story last chapter. It was just . . . so bad I don't even know. It was awful, I'll do my best to come up with something better.**


	10. Chapter 10: Trapped

**Author's Note: So I know this chapter is short and there isn't a lot that happens in it but I've been working really hard since it got deleted and everything and I did my best so I hope you still like it. I've been having some trouble writing lately also because there have just been a whole bunch of things going on apart from my stories that haven't been good and I haven't been feeling good at all either so it's just been really hard, which I apologize for. I'm doing my best to keep on writing and updating as soon as possible but it might take a little while. Also, thank you guys so much for your patience, considering everything that's been going on it really means a lot. It would make my day if you reviewed and helped me out a little with some suggestions or your opinions, so please do.**

**Love,**

**Lost1nTheLight**

Chapter 9: Trapped

Eric is furious. He's so angry that I can feel it before I even look at him when I enter the training room. His eyes are locked on me, blazing. Fists clenched. Jaw set. Posture far too stiff to mean anything good.

I quickly turn around and cringe, clutching Will's shirt. "What's wrong?" He frowns down at me.

I scrunch up my nose. "Nothing, I'm just getting the tiniest feeling that Four yelling his head off at me yesterday was not the worst of the consequences for what I did." I tell him, breathing in deeply.

His eyes dart to where Eric almost has steam coming from his ears. "Oh man. This is going to be bad."

"Yep." I nod. "Figured that part out already."

Will shakes his head. "Great."

I let out a regretful sigh. "Well, when they drag my limp, lifeless body away do you promise to make sure there isn't a funeral?"

"Uhhh sure." He looks at me strangely so I give him a huge grin and a pat on the cheek.

"Okay then. I guess there's nothing else to do but wait for the last, final battle to begin." I roll up my sleeves and flex my biceps. Will snorts and shakes his head. He better not be snorting at my biceps.

It turns out that the last, final battle is a little slow in coming because nothing at all happens for almost the whole training session. Well, nothing involving me and Eric.

The fights go on as usual, my name absent from the chalk board, again. Christina fights Al, Edward fights Peter, it continues like that.

But then it's Tris's turn. Tris against Molly. She steps up into the arena and . . . I don't know. There's something wrong with her. She's too rigid. Her jaw clenched too tightly. I didn't think about it before but she's been off all morning.

The fight begins and this time, when Molly throws a punch, Tris ducks smoothly and hits Molly right in the stomach. No, no, no. This isn't right. Her eyes are too cold. Kind of like how Four's are sometimes. No, not like Four's. Almost like – almost like _Eric's. _I take a step back, heart pounding in my chest, but can't keep my eyes off of the fight. Every one of her moves are too precise. Too calculated. Even when she makes a mistake she recovers quickly, hardly even flinches.

I watch in appalled silence as she sweeps Molly's legs out from under her. When the other girl falls to the floor with a heavy, painful thump I start to let out a sigh of relief. She's obviously not getting back up, the fight's over.

But Tris doesn't stop. She kicks Molly in the ribs and her opponent tries to curl into a ball to protect herself, but before she can Tris brings her foot back again and smashes it into her stomach. No. Stop. Just stop. Why won't she stop? I clutch the hem of my shirt as she strikes her face this time, making blood drip from Molly's nose. What is she doing? What's wrong with her? What is _wrong _with her? Why can't she just stop already?

Four finally grabs her before she kills the girl. I quickly turn around and cover my mouth with my hand. Why would she do that? What could have possibly made her do that? How could she? She hates Peter and Eric and all those horrible people, so why would she do that? Act like them?

I want to leave. I want to run away but before I can do anything fingers wrap around my wrist tightly enough for it to hurt. I whip my head around, and of course, there he is.

"Oh no, you aren't leaving." Eric hisses. "I told you there would be a punishment. Today you're going to fight."

I raise an eyebrow but my fingers tremble as I clench them into fists to conceal it. "Yeah, well in case you haven't noticed there's no one left _for _me to fight."

"Wrong." He grins at me, and I'm not even going to try and lie, it totally freaks me out. "You're going to fight _me._"

My mouth drifts open and I stare at him with wide eyes. He's kidding. He's got to be kidding right?

Apparently he isn't, because he makes his way into the arena, pulling me along so I stumble after him. "You can't get yourself out of it this time little girl." He growls and pushes up his sleeves.

I glance at Four, panicked. There's nothing he can do though. It's just me and Eric and that's it. I turn back to face him, and suddenly he's flying at me, foot swinging in a kick so powerful I can feel the wind rush past my face as I duck.

He doesn't stop there, in fact he doesn't stop at all. He just keeps coming at me, and I can barely keep up. I guess now I know the difference between the initiates and people like Four and Eric. They don't seem a whole lot better than some of us, and you might think it wouldn't be too hard to beat them, but that is definitely not the case. Even Edward, who is an incredible fighter and the best out of all of us pales in comparison. Eric's fist grazes my cheek and I drop to the ground, rolling to the side so he doesn't stomp on me.

As I jump up my sleeve gets caught under his foot and I yank my arm away frantically. I can hear the fabric ripping but I don't see it, all I see are Eric's wild eyes as he slams his heel into where my face was just a fraction of a second ago. He's everywhere, it's like he's filling up the whole room. I can't escape him. He's too fast and too big and too strong.

As I'm recovering, my entire right arm bare – the sleeve torn off – he throws a punch so hard I don't doubt it could have made a dent in the wall. It catches me right in the chest and I go flying backwards, crashing into the mat. I can already feel the bruise forming on my cheek.

I see Eric moving towards me but he's kind of blurry and it take me a moment to regain my breath. He leans down and grabs my arm and I hardly even know what I'm doing, just that if I don't get away right now, he's going to kill me and no one will be able to stop him. I turn my face up to look at him as he tightens his grip on my arm, it hurts and I kick at him, as hard as I can. But since he's leaning down so low the kick lands against his face and I hear a crunch. He stumbles back, cradling his nose. He's so clumsy and distracted with the blood seeping out from between his fingers that he slips on the sleeve of my shirt and goes down.

Any one of the initiates wouldn't have gotten back up after that but I know Eric won't stay down unless he's unconscious so while he's on the floor I scramble away, crawling as fast as I can on my hands and knees because I can't bring myself to stand.

I don't even look back when he grabs at my ankle, trying to pull me back to him, I just yank my leg away and keep going until I'm out of the arena and at Four's feet, holding onto his leg so Eric can't drag me away again – panting.

There's something pounding in my ears so loudly that I can't hear for a few moments. When I finally realize that Eric isn't coming after me my breath slows and let my head drop, not caring that it's resting against the dirty ground, and close my eyes.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

That's all I hear until what seems like centuries later Four's voice penetrates whatever wall has been blocking me from everyone. "Go eat dinner. Training's over."

There's shuffling of feet and then silence for a moment. I keep my eyes closed.

"Ti." A hand on my cheek. I flinch. "Come on Ti, it's time to go."

I open my eyes and glance back at the arena. Eric's gone. Everyone's gone. All that's left are the blood stains on the mats.

I take a deep breath and let go of Four's leg. He leans down and slips his hands under my arms, picking me up – but it doesn't work because I can barely stand on my own two feet.

"Ti, Ti come on – Hey!" He says quickly when I start to fall again. "Hey come on let's go."

I nod but don't walk.

He sighs like he's irritated with me but when I look at his face it's creased with worry and regret. I give him a pat on the chest and joke so that he knows it's okay, that it's not his fault. "I think you should probably carry me." I tell him.

He rolls his eyes. "What am I, your manservant now?" But relief washes over his features.

"Yes." I tell him, and he laughs – I only notice now as the skin around them crinkles into smile lines I didn't know existed that all the cold robot-ness is gone from his eyes – and picks me up. I can't stay awake long enough to see anything but the ceiling of the training room as he takes me away from there.

* * *

><p>Christina gently touches my cheek with a wet cloth. "I can't believe he made you fight him. That's horrible. I thought he was going to kill you."<p>

I nod. "Me too. But I already went over with Will what to do about my funeral beforehand so really you shouldn't have worried at all."

Christina shakes her head at me and continues cleaning up my face. "I was really surprised too at Four. I mean he came in and put you on your bed and he didn't even yell at anyone or anything. He did look angry though, but I think it was at Eric and not you because that would be really unfair."

She keeps talking until she's finished fixing me. I like Christina a lot, I really do. But right now I'm tired, and I just want to sleep.

With one last smile and a comforting hand on my shoulder she gets up and leaves, going I don't know where.

After that I close my eyes and try to sleep, but I can't.

I was so _scared. _It felt like I was trapped, and Eric was going to get me one way or another, and he was going to kill me. I know that he would have if things hadn't been as lucky for me as they were. I hate being trapped. I hate it more than a bunch of things that would terrify any normal person a whole lot more.

I think it's because of Carrie. She was trapped. She was trapped and now she's dead. And that's how it is. And that scares me more than anyone could ever possibly imagine.

**Please review it would mean a lot just to know what you think or if you guys have any ideas since I'm having some trouble.**

**Love,**

**Lost1nTheLight**


	11. Chapter 11 (10): Abandon

Chapter 10: Abandon

"WHAT IS GOING ON?!" I scream at the top of my lungs. That catches their attention.

For the last four minutes I've been sitting in my bed, watching, after being quite rudely awoken, as everyone bustles around the dormitory as if it's completely normal to be awake at this ungodly hour. Seriously, I'm pretty sure that even the most insane psychopaths wouldn't get up this early even if they were planning to brutally slaughter someone in their sleep. I'm not joking. It's unnatural.

Everyone stares at me for a good thirty seconds until Tris speaks up. She still looks shaken up from yesterday and I feel uncomfortable when her eyes meet mine. I don't know what reason she could have possibly had to do what she did but I don't want to be near her right now, if she can walk away after beating someone to near unconsciousness so calmly.

"It's Visiting Day Ti, remember?" She frowns.

I raise an eyebrow like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? What the heck is Visiting Day? "Right. Of course. How could I have forgotten. That makes total sense. Sure." No one moves. "You can all return to whatever you were doing now." I say and off they go to continue with their lives. Now I'm going to have to go find out what Visiting Day is. Which means I have to leave the dorm because if I ask anyone hear they'll be suspicious. Which means I have to leave my bed. Which means I'll probably be going from a sociopath to a psychopath if I dare get up this early. Hurray.

I sigh and throw back the covers, glaring at all the initiates, even though no one notices. Then I make my way down to where I'm pretty sure Four's apartment is. I stop at his door and raise my fist to knock but freeze as a horrifying thought grabs me. What if this isn't Four's apartment? What if it's just some random person's and I got the place mixed up and they'll open the door and see me in my pajamas and strangle me for waking them up because unlike the people in my dormitory they aren't a psychopath? What if it's _Eric's _apartment? I quickly lower my hand and bite my lip, going over the situation in my head.

_I am reviewing, the situation –_

Never mind. Better calm down my inner Fagin.

What's the worst that could happen? I knock and wake Eric up (assuming he isn't a psychopath – unlikely) and in a fit of uncontrollable rage he throws me into the chasm and I die a horrible painful death.

What would I achieve by knocking and having the apartment end up being Four's? He would explain to me what Visiting Day is. If I don't knock and find out then I will never know and I might make a mistake due to my ignorance that could cause Eric to find out my secret and be so angry that in a fit of rage he throws me into the chasm and I die a horrible and painful death.

So basically, either way I'm doomed.

Just as I'm trying to make a decision the door flies open and I leap backwards, getting ready to run for my life if it's Eric. But no. Upon closer inspection I discover that the dude standing at the door looking at me is Four. Dressed Four. Clean Four. Damp-haired Four meaning he must have taken a shower Four.

"Psychopath." I blurt, and he stares at me.

"What are you doing Ti?" He finally asks.

"Well, you see, I had this important question to ask and you're the only one who could answer it but then I came down here and I wasn't sure if this really was your apartment because what if it wasn't and it was someone else's and they got mad because I woke them up or what if it was even Eric and just think of all the bad things that could have happened then especially after all the stuff that happened yesterday and he would be so mad and –"

Before I can give him the full explanation he pulls me inside and closes the door.

"So what's the question?" He asks impatiently.

"Oh yeah, what's Visiting Day?"

He just looks at me for a moment. "All of this was over finding out what Visiting Day was?"

I shrug.

"Ti you are literally the strangest person I have ever met in my entire life. It's like you never think before you act ever, and then there's this . . ." He trails off and gives me a look like I belong in the zoo. Excuse me sir, but I do not appreciate that look thank you very much.

"Let's not even talk about this okay? Just – just answer the question." This dude's seriously starting to give me a headache.

He sighs. I don't know what the heck he's sighing about but can we just get to the question already? "Visiting Day is when the initiates' families come to visit them a little ways through their training. It's very important because it determines whether or not you've been completely alienated from them. These are the transfers I'm talking about. So it shows if they truly believe in 'faction over blood' or if there's still some part of them that feels like a family."

I sit down on the bed and frown. "That's horrible."

He raises his eyebrows, surprised. "What?"

"That's horrible." I repeat. "To find out if the people you were raised by, you've lived your whole life with and have loved have completely abandoned you, cut you out of their lives as if you didn't exist. To find that out in such a cruel, public way. It's horrible."

He scratches his chin. "I guess you're right in a way."

"No, I'm not right in a way. I'm right in every way."

He rolls his eyes and goes for the door. "Come on, let's go. I've got to go up because I'm the instructor and I don't trust you in my room all alone."

"No wait!" I shout and grab his sleeve when he places his hand on the doorknob. He stops. "I don't have any family to visit me here and you don't have to go up yet. It won't start for little bit right? Please stay."

He looks at me strangely, and I realize I'm pleading. I take a deep breath and let go of his shirt, cheeks red.

"Okay." He says, and takes his hand off the doorknob, sitting beside me on the bed. There's silence. Neither of us wants to breach the family subject. I don't know what Four's all about but obviously we both know that it can be something you might not want to talk about.

"This sucks." I murmur, glaring at his blankets.

"What does?" He frowns at me.

"Never mind." I sigh. It just gives me this feeling, Visiting Day. It's not even sadness, or anger, or anything. I don't know what it is. It's just a feeling. I haven't got any family to visit me and if my family _were _here, they wouldn't visit me anyway. What am I saying? My mum wouldn't even survive here. Without me to take care of her she'd be dead in days. Without me to take care of her.

I inhale sharply and clutch the blankets underneath me, eyes wide but looking at nothing.

If I'm here, then who's there to watch her, keep her safe? There's no one. She's got no one to make sure she's okay. I did a lousy job in the first place but at least I was there, at least if something really did happen I could always take care of her. And now I'm not there, and something horrible is bound to happen sooner or later because that's just what our lives were like, and she's going to have no one to keep her safe.

I'm here, thinking about how I've got no one to come _visit _me, while she could have fallen and hit her head somewhere. It's happened before. But there were people then, people who helped her. Now there's no one. No one at all. What if she's dead already? All of those years hardly even existing, just to open another bottle of liquor and then vomit into the toilet, but at least then I could help wash her face afterwards. She was half dead before, and the only thing that kept the other half alive was me, and before that the others who were there – Carrie, her father, her mother, my father. Without that she could be lying cold on the ground right now, and no one would find her for ages.

I quickly get off the bed and cover my mouth, bowing my head so Four can't see my face. And there's nothing I can do. Because I can't go back, and if I had the choice would I even want to? That's the truth. Even with my mother there, all alone, I still wouldn't want to go back. That's the kind of person I am. That's the kind of horrible person I am. Because I have friends here, the first friends in my entire life that aren't Carrie. And people that I care about. And I can live here. It's like a way to escape all of the terrible, awful things that have happened, and that I've done. So even though it's one of the most selfish things anyone could possibly think, I don't want to go back.

I want to stop. I don't want to think that. I wish that I wanted to go back, because then it would mean that maybe after all the things I have done, I'm not such a bad person. But I just can't. I can't even try to want to go back. That's not the worst part either, because if I had the chance to go back, even if I didn't want to and I did anyways, at least that would be okay. But I'm not sure I would. I'm not sure at all.

I'm a terrible person.

I'm a repulsive, appalling, horrendous person. I don't know how Four can stand to be in the same room as me. _I _can't even stand to be in the same room as me. I didn't even know it was possible for someone like me to exist. There are thieves, and criminals, and murderers, and evil dark lords like Voldemort. But for me to abandon my own family. The only family I have left. And not even feel _remorse. _What kind of a person does that make you? Since I got here, how many times have I thought about my mother? How many?

I don't know. I can't even remember one. Single. Time.

The bed creaks and then Four's hand is on my shoulder. How can he stand to touch me? How can he not be disgusted? "Are you okay Ti?"

I try to swallow but I can't. Like my guilt is lodged in my throat, not letting me wash it away. And why should it? I deserve to feel it.

"Yeah I'm fine." Something resembling a raspy whisper escapes my lips and I press them together.

"Well we should go now." He tells me and grabs my arm to lead me out, glancing behind every few seconds, probably wondering what's wrong with me. I would like to know the answer to that question myself.

We go up and Four doesn't tell me I have to leave him alone in case anyone wants to talk to him but I can tell he's thinking it so I move away.

I don't want to be here at all, but when Christina calls to me to come meet her family I kind of want to run away and jump into the chasm. However when I walk up to them, and see a mother, who looks very much like Christina, and a younger sister who is so tiny that she's a few inches shorter than me, something tugs in my chest and I can't seem to leave, even though seeing them together just like a family should be, makes my heart hurt.

"Hello there, you must be Ti, Christina has been telling us all about you. You seem like quite the character." Her mother says, giving me a big Christina-y smile.

I find that a little bit funny seeing as they are the ones who live in a book. "I'm not sure what she means by that but I'm going to take it as a compliment." I shake her hand.

All three laugh and they sound so similar they could all be sisters. And even though it makes me want to cry, at the same time I don't have to try at all to keep the smile on my face. It's real. Real is good.

"But oh my look at that bruise! What happened?" Her mother exclaims in concern when I push some hair out of my face. Almost like she was my own mother. Well that is, if my mother was actually a mother.

"Oh well you won't believe what happened, Eric – one of the leaders – made her fight him! It's because Ti . . ." Christina begins and her family listens, enraptured.

I don't get it. I feel the worst a person could ever feel for what I've done. For not wanting to go back. But as I stand here with Christina's family, watching them smile and laugh, I honestly don't know what to think at all. Because it makes me sad. I miss my mother when she was still my mother. And I miss how much I loved her, and how much she loved me, and it breaks my heart. But at the same time, even with that, and the guilt that feels like it's crushing me from the inside out, I hate her. I hate her for _not _being a mother. And for leaving me all alone. And it's almost like _I _want to leave her alone now, even though I know she won't be able to survive alone, because I'm just so _angry _with her.

A little while later I say good-bye to Christina and her lovely, real family. Then Will grabs me and makes me come meet his sister and the whole time I feel like we're a couple of bulls butting horns, but I don't mind. I don't meet Tris's mother. I leave before I can. I leave and go up to the dormitory and strip and crawl into bed. I don't care that it's the middle of the afternoon. I just want to stop thinking. I want to stop thinking for a while and maybe that will fix something.

I know that it won't but it really doesn't matter to me anymore. So I close my eyes and do my best to stop thinking.

It doesn't work.

* * *

><p>It wasn't about Carrie this time. It was about my mother. I should have known.<p>

I wake up screaming my head off, it's not until both of Will's hands are on my shoulders and hushing me do I stop and realize that I'm awake.

Everyone's looking at me. I cough, and there's absolutely nothing I can find to say. So instead I make a joke and hope that they'll forget about it. "Just – uh – just warming up my vocal cords." I tell them, and all the initiates stare like they think they should be taking me to a mental hospital.

I don't know what to do so I stare back until they stop. Then they go back to talking.

Will doesn't leave though. He stays right there, like he's afraid I'm going to go crazy again.

"You weren't at dinner." He comments.

"Yeah I was just tired." I tell him, lying back on the bed. My voice is scratchy.

He looks at me for a second, brows furrowed, like he's trying to find something. "Ti are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I tell him. But it's a lie and he knows it.

He doesn't saying anything though, and I silently thank him. "They're putting up the rankings tonight. That's why everyone's in here right now." That's why everyone was staring at you like a lunatic as if they'd never had a nightmare before in their life. "Want to go over and wait?"

"No."

"Are you going to go see them when they're put up?" Will frowns at me.

"No."

Will looks at me incredulously but I don't say another word.

* * *

><p>A little while later Four comes in with a chalk board and sets it backwards against the wall at the end of the room. Then he explains all about the rankings work. Finally, he turns the chalkboard around there they are.<p>

Up until this point I've been laying with my face hidden in my pillow, but when people start yelling from what I guess must be shock I growl and climb out of bed. Obviously they aren't going to be quiet so I might as well see what's going on. This is what the board looks like:

1. Edward

2. Peter

3. Will

4. Christina

5. Molly

6. Tris

7. Drew

8. Al

9. Myra

I kind of want to go up to Peter and laugh in his face because Edward beat him since he's so much cooler, but there's something else I need to do first.

I make my way over to Four and put my hands on my hips. He looks down at me, unamused. "Why isn't my name up there?" I ask.

"Because you hardly _did _any of things we were supposed to rank you on, but when you did do them you were too good to cut. I think Eric was too embarrassed and angry to put you on there though because you would be near the top, so decided you shouldn't be ranked."

"Yeah but you should still put my name on the board. So people won't be suspicious." I say, rather proud of my practicality.

Four rolls his eyes and marches over to the board. He puts my name at the very top with no number beside it. "There."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask.

"It means you're awesome." He tells me impatiently.

I'm almost 98.682402648004 percent sure that he only said that to get me to leave him alone but I decide the answer is sufficient and leave him to be boring on his own.

I try and find Edward on the other side of the crowd but I can't push my way through so I climb up to stand on someone's bunk and map out my path. Then I run and leap to the bed on the opposite side of the room diagonal to this one, and again and again until I'm standing above Edward.

For once in my life I'm standing above someone. But it really doesn't matter because Edward is tall enough that he _still _manages to reach up and lift me off the bed. Setting me on the ground so I'm back to having to look up at him.

I glare and he grins smugly. "One day I'll be looking down at you and you will cower beneath my mighty gaze." I tell him.

He just laughs. "I think everyone in this room knows that that's a lie, Ti."

I gasp in astonishment and clutch my heart. "How dare you speak to me that way?!" I roar.

He pretends to be terrified so I forgive him because only true friends pretend to be terrified when you unleash your wrath upon them for insulting you so tactlessly.

After telling him good job blah blah blah I flop down on my bed face first, glad that everyone's talking so loudly that I don't have to think.

**I didn't put an author's note at the beginning because I wasn't sure what to say. I've been having kind of a not good time lately, and it's been the same for a while so I apologize if the chapter isn't the best. Please review anyway, it would be lovely. Thanks so much.**

**Love,**

**Lost1nTheLoght**


	12. Chapter 11: No Words

**Author's Note: So this chapter has a bit of Ti's story in it, and just so you know I know it's already pretty obvious but in case anyone thinks that I'm just randomly switching tenses I'm not, it's in past tense because it's a memory. I really hope you guys like it. I did my best to describe her emotions and I hope it's okay. I really want to make it right because I've felt the same kind of things and I really want to show you guys so you'll understand what she's feeling. I don't know if I did it right because it just so hard to put into words but oh well I did my best, plus the title is No Words so I guess it kind of explains that . . . Anyways, I hope you guys like it. **

**P.S. I was listening to a couple of songs by Molly Kate Kestner over and over again while I was writing this chapter. She recorded them herself and it's not like they're the most amazing quality or anything but they're just lovely songs. they were: His Daughter, No One Ever Told You, and a cover of Hallelujah. You should listen to them too (hint, hint). Yeah anyways, I'll stop talking now.**

Chapter 11: No Words

After Carrie died there was a funeral. I didn't wear a dress. A funeral is about remembering someone you loved, and saying good-bye I guess, and I wasn't going to waste it looking like someone I wasn't for the sake of what was 'right' and what was 'proper' in the eyes of the people who didn't realize that when you lost someone you should be allowed to grieve how you wanted and needed to grieve. I wasn't there for the living anyway, and I honestly didn't care in the slightest what they thought. I was there for Carrie and that was all.

So I wore my pyjamas. With baggy, black, plaid bottoms and a black t-shirt but my pyjamas none the less. If there was even the slightest possibility that she somehow could see what was happening in this miserable place she's escaped from, she would get it.

After my dad died we made a promise. There was nothing she could do to help the pain and she knew it, so instead she decided to focus on something else. The only thing I had been able to think to say was that my dress was scratchy, because no words could possibly explain or fix the gaping hole that been torn in my heart. So she told me that if we ever went to one another's funeral, we would wear our pyjamas, no matter how old and granny-like we were, we'd wear them. She never could have known that we would both still just be children when it was time for her own funeral.

So there I was in my black pyjamas, ready but not ready at all. I went to go find my mother, and found her lying on the floor in her room surrounded by dirty clothes, half-asleep.

I almost couldn't move for a second. I was furious. All I could feel was the white hot rage, and you know what? It felt good. The first thing in days that wasn't just grey, empty, nothingness.

I wanted to hurt her so badly. She had already ruined all the good things, today was painful enough without her ruining it too. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't cry or scream at her. I couldn't hit her or tell her I never wanted to see her again. All I could do was whisper, "We have to go to the funeral now."

And do you know what? She said, "What funeral?" Not even opening her eyes, words slurred.

I left then. I left her alone on the floor without even a glance back. I should have made sure she was okay, but I was tired of making sure she was okay. I was tired of not even being allowed to mourn in peace without having to worry about her. I was just tired. She was my mother, she was supposed to be taking care of me, not the other way around. And right now all I wanted was to be taken care of for once.

I went outside, got on my bike, and rode to the funeral.

There were people there. I half expected me to be the only one, but of course not. Carrie wasn't like me. She had relatives, people who would come and visit and ask why they still lived in this dump. They said it was dangerous, this part of town. That there was no reason they shouldn't get out of here as fast as they could. But there was. It was me. I was the reason. And Carrie would sneak out while the relatives and her dad were talking and I'd be waiting for her, every single time. We'd go to the movie theatre, or to do something dangerous just to show those relatives that walked with their noses in the air that we didn't care what they thought all.

I didn't talk to them, though I'm pretty sure a couple looked at me with those sneers people who thought they were above you used, as if I was disgracing her memory in some way by wearing pyjamas. But by wasting their time trying to make me feel bad at her funeral instead of paying their respects they were the ones disgracing her memory. These people. Always judging, it didn't matter what you did. Out of everyone here I loved her at least three times more than anyone else and knew her four times better.

I didn't even want to be here. I didn't want to come and listen to someone talk about what a wonderful person Carrie was even though they didn't even know her and pretend that everything was going to be okay. Because maybe for everyone else it would be. The relatives would be fine after a little while. I wouldn't though. And I wanted to slap everyone that would because they didn't realize what a terrible thing it was to lose someone like Carrie. Someone so bright and beautiful who should not have been taken from the world, when people like her were exactly the ones the world needed so desperately.

But even though I didn't want to be there, I stood in front of that coffin that held no body and didn't listen while they told eulogies and stories and whatever they did at funerals. I just closed my eyes and tried to breathe, though it seemed like my lungs couldn't work without Carrie's breathing along with them.

This was wrong. It was all wrong. I was never supposed to be standing here, alone in my black pyjamas, not really caring if the oxygen worked or not. Carrie was the only one – the only one that was never supposed to go. The only one that I could not survive without. Even my father, I had learned – I had been forced – to live while he was in the ground, and the only thing that had saved me was Carrie. But without her how could I possibly keep my heart beating when it already felt like it was dead? How could I keep waking up knowing there was nothing left? Not my father. Certainly not my mother. And now not Carrie.

It started raining halfway through. It was almost a relief. I had thought it was going to be sunny the whole time and I wouldn't have been able to bear it if it was. The sun should not shine when someone who had lived like they'd had a piece of it inside them had been extinguished.

The relatives took out their black umbrellas, as I knew they would. But I didn't have an umbrella. I didn't want one. I wanted to stay like that, pyjamas and hair soaked, droplets running down my cheeks like tears, praying the rain would drown me.

Then the preacher looked over at me and said my name and at first I didn't understand what was happening. He wanted me to talk? Why? I hadn't said that I wanted to. No one had as far as I knew.

Everyone was looking at me though, a few with teary eyes. So I walked stiffly to stand in front of the coffin and stared out at them all. I pushed a couple wet strands of hair out of my face and opened my mouth. But I couldn't speak. The words wouldn't come out. How could I possibly explain everything that Carrie was? How could I explain that Carrie was like a burning light in a world of darkness? That she had saved my life without having to say anything at all more than once? That she was too beautiful to belong in a world as ugly as this one? That I would die a million times just to see her smile one more time? That I loved her more than anything else? Even in my head I couldn't explain. It was all true but it wasn't enough. Carrie was so much more than any word could possibly describe.

I stood there for a second, not knowing what to do. Then I said, "Carrie was beautiful." It was quiet, like a whisper, hardly even there. That's all I could say. For a moment more it stayed like that, and then I ran.

I ran away from there. From the relatives dressed in black who didn't and never would understand. From the coffin that they were about to put in the ground. From the preacher who wanted me to speak when there was nothing to say. I biked home, so fast that a couple of times I was almost hit by cars, even though the truth was that I didn't really care.

At home I didn't even make it to my room. I put my arms against the wall in the hallway outside my door and rested my head against them, staring at the ground. The ground got blurry and I closed my eyes to try and stop them but I couldn't. I turned around and kicked the wall as hard as I could. I hit it over and over and over again until my knuckles were swollen and bruised and bloody. And then I sank to the floor, hands shaking and began to sob. Never in my life before had I sobbed. I'd cried of course, but never like this.

I couldn't breathe, and it made it worse because I had to gulp air while I cried and I felt like I was suffocating. I rocked forward and put my forehead against the floor, clenching my fists on the ground in front of me. I cried and I cried and I couldn't stop. I stayed there like that for hours, wailing so loudly that after wards I lost my voice. Even when there were no more tears left, and I felt like I was going to black out – maybe from dehydration, I don't know – I stayed like that. Staring blankly at the floor right in front of my eyes. My heart wasn't even broken, it had been before but now it was just dead. That's what it felt like. Shattered. It didn't exist anymore. I didn't exist anymore.

My mind was numb that night while I was frozen with my head on the ground. I could still hear that single thought though, echoing in my ears. I did not exist. You can't exist without a heart and a soul and a mind. I. Did. Not. Exist.

* * *

><p>So you see, I really do hate my mother. It's the truth. And maybe it makes me a bad person but there are a whole lot of other things that make me a bad person as well, so I guess you can just add it on to the list. I still love her though. It makes no sense but that's how it is. Nothing makes sense. It hasn't in a very, very long while.<p>

* * *

><p>A scream pierces the wall that's built itself up between me and everyone else tonight. Good thing I'm awake. I've been staring at the ceiling for hours, which I guess can't be good for your eyes in the dark but I don't care, trying not to think. I couldn't help it though. And now I've got those same four words ringing in my ears. Again. I'm almost thankful for the scream. It hurts too much thinking about it.<p>

The scream comes again and I practically jump down from my bed. In the dark I stub my toe on the post of the bunk and trip over my feet, trying to make my way towards where the screaming is coming from.

Someone turns on the light and I recoil. Edward is lying on the floor beside his bed, hands clutched over his eyes with blood seeping out and a silver knife stuck in it between his fingers.

There's more screaming but I run towards him and the slide to a halt in my socks, dropping to my knees. Tris comes to my side and I quickly tell her to get a doctor. She runs out.

"Hey, hey Edward, it's me Ti, okay?" I say, my hands hovering above his face, not sure what to do.

"Get it out!" He wails. "Please just get it out of me! It hurts!"

"I know, I know." I sit in his blood, smoothing his hair back away from his eye. I just keep doing that, stroking his hair and doing my best to calm him. The problem is that I am very unhelpful in desperate situations such as these, and usually end up saying the wrong thing. "Hey, you're going to be okay. Tris is going to get a doctor and they'll get it out and everything will be okay." He moans and writhes. "Hey, hey listen to me Edward. Okay? Please just listen to me. Listen to my voice, block everything out. I need you to calm down, alright? Are you listening to me?" I don't even know what I'm saying but his moving around so much is really freaking me out. Slowly, he stills. His chest rising and falling heavily. "Okay, okay. Just listen to me. It'll be alright. I mean, even if you do die maybe you'll come back to life like the Winchesters. And I doubt you'll go to hell anyway . . ." I murmur and then wince. See what I mean? Definitely not helpful. I keep smoothing back his hair, which is all I can think to do. I am terrible at comforting people. "Just imagine you're somewhere else okay? Like what about a meadow? Or one of the Amity farms? You can see the birds, and the sun is warm and there are flowers and trees and obviously not any butter knives." I scrunch up my nose and shake my head. That was probably not the best thing to do either. I have no idea what I'm doing.

Edward starts to jerk away from me so I quickly put a hand on his cheek. "Hey, shh, it's okay. Just picture the birds, okay? Picture the birds and the breeze and the blue sky." I start to hum a lullaby – the only one I can remember from when my mother was still my mother. It's soft and almost sad and I don't even notice when Edward calms down and lays still there, with my hand on his cheek. I don't notice Will staring at me from where he's standing a little ways away. All there is is the lullaby. Something from a place where there really was a warm sun and birds and a blue sky, and even when they disappeared I didn't have to be afraid because I knew they would come back the next day.

That was a long time ago.

When Tris gets back with a nurse, she gently puts a hand on my shoulder and pulls me away from Edward. She takes me over to a bed and sits me down, and I realize that even though whatever happened with Molly happened, she's still Tris and she's still my friend. She's still Tris.

She goes to the washroom with Christina and I just sit on the bed. I don't know what to do. Edward's got a knife in his eye and even though I told him it would be, I have no idea if it's going to be okay.

Will comes to stand in front of me. I blink and look up at him. He doesn't say anything though, just grabs my bloody hand that I didn't realize was shaking and holds onto it tightly.

* * *

><p>Later Tris comes back to clean up the blood. I feel bad for not staying and helping but I can't be in that room anymore.<p>

* * *

><p>Edward leaves. So does Myra. I guess that means no more transfers are getting cut but I don't care. I said good-bye to Edward in the morning, and now we have a day off and I can't think of a single thing to do.<p>

So I go to Four's apartment. He's there, he opens the door for me, lets me come in and fall onto his bed face-first without a word. And I lay there until I fall asleep because all I want to do right now is go to sleep but there's no way I'm going back to the dormitory. He says nothing the whole time. There's nothing left to say.

* * *

><p><em>"Shhh, it's alright my love. Just a nightmare." She whispers softly, stroking my hair. I calm my breathing, swallow and nod. "So you want to tell me about it?"<em>

_I quickly shake my head and she laughs. Quiet and gentle. "I should have known. The same answer as always. Lay back down now. Don't be afraid, it was just a dream. It wasn't real."_

_I slowly rest my head back onto the pillow and look up at her. She strokes my hair and smiles. Then she begins to hum. It's a sweet melody but something about it makes me feel a little sad for some reason. I close my eyes and listen, and without even realizing it fall back asleep._

* * *

><p>I jolt awake, breathing heavily. Four is gone. Obviously, it's the middle of the day. I look around and a couple of tears slip down my cheeks. I wipe them away and let out a choked sounding laugh. Because this is the one time in months that my dream hasn't been a nightmare, but still I'm crying. Because I miss it, the way it used to be. I miss it so much it hurts. When my mother would sing me back to sleep and stroke my hair and call me her love. When, if she said that the nightmares weren't real, it was actually true.<p>

**So I'm pretty excited for the next chapter, you can probably guess what will be happening but yeah, excited! I hope you guys liked this one. Please review and tell me what you thought it would mean so much.**

**Love,**

**Lost1nTheLight**


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